Bravery...

Finally I wrote it out. I wrote all my feelings in the notebook that I'm going to give him tomorrow. If he ever opens it, he will know about it. But if he doesn't, means its through. It's the end of it. I decided to let him know, means I'm ready to let go. Cause I know, I won't get any answer from him or he'll just turn me down. This is what I wrote:


     The reason I pen this down is because I couldn't find the words to tell you. Didn't mean to burden you at all. Now that I understand, when you told me that you heart ache when you saw her with another guy. The same feeling is flowing inside me now. Every time I see you with her, my heart ache. I don't know when I started to have this feeling. This is why I've been acting strange lately and this is something that I can't figure out. I know it's not right. It's so wrong to fall for you. I'm sorry! I know my life is boring because there is only music. I never hope that this love would be returned. I just wanna be honest with myself. And I trust you. Promise me, go after your happiness. Don't wait for it to come. You are not alone. Just remember, I will always support, care and be there for you. The poem "Passerby" that I wrote, actually reflecting me in your life. Thanks for allowing me to try to fit in. Hoping that you won't ignore and avoid me after reading this. You are a good friend and I'm beginning to rely on you. I'm sorry, to have feelings for you.


          Sighs...Maybe I really should move on and concentrate in my studies. My future is so important to me. A promise to myself, will never screw my future!! 


               By the way, today Gil told me about Summer again. I'm happy for her but still, I care so much on what he thinks about me. He said something that hurt me again. I'm not an idiot nor crazy. I'm just me. I don't know. The wall between me and Gil is getting thicker. I'm not sure its because of him or its because of me. Maybe I just couldn't fit in. 


Anyway, I'm happy to receive something from Gil and Xbaby. I love them so much. They light up my day. I will try my best to search for myself again. I will be happy!! 

What Am I Thinking??

Wasn't free to pen down lately. Kinda busy with assignment. And I really need some rest. What's wrong with me?? I thought I promised myself to let go and yet I'm still feeling so bad about it. I hate it every time I check my facebook. I really don't wanna look at it. But every time I flip through it, I definitely find something that will hurt me so bad. Damn it. What the hell is this?? Am I really in hell now?? 


     I get it why yesterday he didn't seem like replying me. Cause he was out with her again. Who the hell he think I am? A maid? A slave? Why every time has to be this way? Am I really nothing to anyone? Am I the tiniest character in a movie? A monster in a game? Was meant to be hurt or killed?? I am really pissed right now. I was praying for calmness, peacefulness and wisdom the other day in the temple. I got it for 2 days. But right now, here I go again. 


          I really wanna scream out loud. FUCK YOU!!! YOU ARE TORTURING ME!!! 


               Gil told me that he was lazy to reply because guys are like that. I took it. Didn't wanna blame him also. But what I saw today in facebook really kills me. Sighs. Why do I have this kind of spare time to even think about him? He's nothing... nothing at all. Why do I have this kind of feeling?? 


Will I ever cross in his mind?? I never should have believe in miracles. This is tearing me apart. 

Hate Myself...

I'm hating myself again. Why can't I just be strong enough? Why do I have to let emotion take over me? It's so much pain. I don't think I can take it anymore. I really miss him from day to day. But all I get are sadness, frustration, anger and disappointment. Who the hell he think he is? Messing with my life? I just want myself back. I don't want this feeling anymore. It really hurts. 


     The worst part is, he begins to ignore me. I hate being ignored. I hate being left out. Who am I to him? I really don't wanna think. I just hate all the guys in this world. I hate them!! I HATE MYSELF EVEN MORE!!

My Letter To Him...

Actually the reason I write this letter is not trying to burden you
I just wanna write out all my feelings
What I have been feeling all these while
When you are around and when you are not around.
I just want you to know that I will support you no matter what happens
I know my love for you might bring you awkwardness
And I know, inside your heart might have someone else
But I just want you to know that you are not alone
You wont have to face your problem alone
I really don't know how this happen
How suddenly it was, to have feelings for you?
I never thought that you will return my feelings
But I would like you to know what I'm thinking all these while
Sometimes I might feel jealous because you hang out with her more than you hang out with me
I even cried so badly because of it
Stupidity? You might think of that too.
Is it wrong to have this kind of feeling?
I just want to give you the best, the best love in this world.
Never want you to be sad, never want you to suffer
I just want you to go after your happiness
Don't give up, cause I'm not giving you up either
I promise you to move on, with or without you
And I hope you promise me too, that you'll go after your happiness
I don't want you to regret in your life
Right now, I have no regret in life because I braced myself to write this out
To have the courage to tell you what my thoughts are
To feel blessed, by knowing you, being a part of my life
I'm not shy to say this out, "I LOVE YOU"
You mean so much more to me......

Birthday...

Today is his birthday. He's back in Ipoh while I'm staying here, in KL. The weird part is I'm missing him but I'm not messaging him. What he has always been dreaming of? Having the person he like the most to celebrate with him. Sighs. Who am I? 


     May told me never to think how important I am to him. Never to ask this kind of questions. Cause it will only make you feel even worst. I'm not thinking anymore. Maybe this is why I don't cry anymore. What can I do? The greatest love is not owning, but letting go. I just want the best for him. I just want him to be happy. 


          Reeve is the best. He taught me a lot. About iphone and laptop. He purposely came over to Kelana Jaya on Thursday. Had so much fun hanging out with him. ^^ It's worth it skipping class for him. 

Rains & Sunshine....

Getting stronger by each day,
Soon, goodbye is all I will say,
You can come and go as you may,
This is love and there is a price to be paid. 

          No one can ever understand me,
          Because I am not what you see,
          Inside of me, wanted to flee,
          To a place where I can be what I wanna be. 

                    I will never say that I am fine,
                    Because I will never come across in your mind,
                    However, there will still be rains and sunshine,
                    Taking its' turn, waiting in line. 

                              Everyday a simple message,
                              To let you know, you are not forgotten,
                              There will always be an end for every passage,
                              To let us know, be strong and move on. 

Passerby...

I am still living in my memories,
Still holding tight on those memories,
Never want to wake up, never want to see,
This cruel reality. 


Never to believe in love again?
Cause it is nothing but heart ache,
Never want to feel this pain,
Cause it is more than I can take. 


How I wish I was the one,
The one you see, the one you think,
How I wish you were the one,
The one that care, giving me the strength.


Will we ever be apart?
A question that always stays in my heart,
Will I ever win a place?
In your heart or am I just left in the base?


I am just a passerby in your life,
You close the door and living me behind,
And yet I still hope to be by your side,
Atleast had a moment rather than just passing by. 

Unimportant...

OMG!! Lately I've been crying a lot. I'm losing myself again. I cried on Thursday night because I saw his picture with her hanging out. Silly me right? Why should I cry? He didn't tell me about it? And I can't believe myself either. I messaged him like I don't know anything. Asking him to be careful. What am I doing? 


     He doesn't care like he used to anymore. Sometimes I can feel that when he was chatting with me, he's just passing his time there. Maybe he just wish that I would stop messaging him. And I think I should too. What for when I'm struggling in this situation and making him feel bad. No point of it!! It's just me. I'm the one who think so much when there isn't anything happening. 


          He's having the best moment in his life. Hanging out with YY. I can't be compared. I'm nothing to him. So unimportant. I messaged him today, asking whether he wanna have dinner with me. He turned me down, his excuse? Dinner with his aunt. He's not lying. But I just wanna know whether he tried to ask for exceptional? Did he ever try or think of going out with me? 


               Right now I only have Xbaby. Every time I'm sad, she's the one being there for me. I didn't tell Gil anything about this. Because I know she won't comfort me cause she can't understand the situation I'm in. I just hope everything will fade away soon. 


I don't wanna shed a single tear for him anymore. I will be stronger. It's enough. Moving on ~~~

End of 4th Oct...

Hadn't write much lately. Don't think I got the time. Workshop!!! Assignment!!! Driving me crazy already. Sighs. 


     Met Mrs Bravo today. OMG!! Feel like shouting at her face. Come on. College life. Should be excited in every where. Why can't we just laugh and get excited at the corridor? Even worst compared to Johnny Bravo. Barking at us cause we were excited. Crazy!! However, I should pity her cause I'm 100% sure she doesn't have a life like us. Shame on us?? Really wanna take off my shoe and throw at her. Her life can be boring but she can't expect us to life like her. MEANINGLESS ~~~


          Still messaging with him. I don't think I can live without messaging him everyday. But I'm controlling myself. Not that often. ^^ 


               Gil's problem. XD She really should take things slowly now. Chatted with Neo today. Crazy!! Crap a lot. So stupid!! I'm talking rubbish for the first time. I can't believe it.