I'm So Stupid

          I hate myself!!! I'm so stupid. Trying to be funny and humorous?? It all went to the wrong side. I made Bii so angry. 

          Actually he can't blame me for being like this. He never made me feel secure. I thought I don't have a place in his heart. I thought that he won't care about me. I thought that I'm not important to him. That's why I misinterpreted his text. I thought he was just being funny. That's why I was being sarcastic. 

          But what I didn't expect is Bii has such big reaction. First time I heard Bii so sad and angry. He told me he's already feeling guilty and why do I have to say like that?? It really breaks my heart to know that Bii is sad. I never wanna make the situation to become like that. 

          Should I be happy or worried now?? How am I going to make things better?? What should I do?? 

          Another issue... I can't imagine it. Not even from the start that Han will betray me. He talked behind my back. What the~~ This is all so ridiculous. He's the one who asked me to go to his place often. Then now he's complaining to others that I always go to his place. When I didn't show up, he text me by saying "Why no come??". When I go, he complained. This is nonsense!! 

          Why am I so stupid?? Why I can't differentiate who to trust and who's not?? I don't wanna care. I don't wanna know. All I want now is to make things better for me and Bii. I owe him an apology but I want him to know why I reacted that way too~~ 

Wednesday - 27 Dec `13

I'm so happy today. I got great feedback for my performance. Playing Mendelssohn's "Song Without Words Op. 62, No. 6". Relax and enjoy the music. I enjoyed myself today. Both my lecturers said I improved a lot. They were amazed and asked me what have I done to practice and achieved what I had today?? They were so nice to me. I learned a lot. I love my piano teacher so much. Without her, I don't think I can achieve what I had today. There's still a lot to be learned and I shouldn't give up. Back to business. Shouldn't let those haters do what they want. I won't let it happen to me. I shouldn't give up my dream. I'm getting use to it now. I don't have to change in order to make people happy. I should just make myself happy.

Another problem. Don't know what's wrong with HanHan. He's being so cold to me. Instead he said I'm the one being weird and arrogant. Sighs. I don't understand him. On Sunday, I really got shocked. Smoking?? Bad attitude?? Stress doesn't mean anything. Everyone has stress. I'm being so tolerate with him. I cooked cause I want him to feel better. But he just turned into someone else. I don't know what to do, cause no matter what I do, he's never satisfied. I asked, what's wrong?? I tried to concern. But he's not accepting it. I just don't know what to do with him anymore. If I'm being arrogant, I won't be updating him all my trips. He's the one who pushed me aside.

My relation with Bii is getting much better. I don't know why... I don't wanna know either. I just wanna spend time with Bii. That's all. I'm accepting Bii as who he is. I don't complain. I don't demand. Guess I really have feelings for him. He's accompanying me to a lot of places now. He remembers his promises. Even just looking at him doing his work, I feel so blessed. Supporting him, helping him through. Reminding him~~~ luckily I didn't choose to break up with Bii. Or else I'll be regretting so much by then. No matter what, I still own a place in bii's heart. That's all that matter.

My First Time

So this is my first time being in a relationship and it's a disaster already. I don't even know whether I'm considered in a relationship or not. 

Bii made me look like a third party now. He's telling everybody he got a girlfriend in Malaysia. Then who am I?? A replacement object?? I'm trying my best not to be so serious most of the time. But if you really love that person, will you at least make that person feel special?? Clearly that I made Bii a special one but who am I to him?? 

I felt so stupid right now, right at this moment!! I put in so much efforts. Does this even mean slightly to him?? I changed myself to make him proud, but he never change a single bit for me. I tolerate. But everyone's patience has a limit. 

Whenever it comes to love, my life is in a mess. I just don't know how to handle properly. And I always got bothered by this stupid matter. Damn it~~ !!! 

Is there anyone out there that actually appreciate?? For god sake~~ Love is so pure and innocent. But they just make it become black and dark and difficult. 

Bii said he's not good in memorizing numbers. Fine. He forgets my birthday, it's alright. I'll remind him. But, please~~ at least make me feel secure. I'm like worrying everyday, when will I be losing him?? 

I Don't Know What To Do

          I'm really in deep trouble now. Han is shiftly moving into my life now. But Bii got no feeling at all. What am I to him?? Doesn't he jealous when he sees his girlfriend being so close with another guy?? Not even a word, a text or a call... This is heart breaking. He doesn't care at all?? I'm just a substitute to him?? A replacement again?? 

          I'm very happy with Han. He's so fun and I'm in a dilemma now. Should I end what we have started with Bii?? I can't. I'm human. I have feelings for him. But he doesn't seem to care at all. What really piss me is whenever we are out, and there are others around us, he avoids me like I'm a virus to him. Does he know how hurt it is?? Normal friends still can talk or hug each other. I do it most of the time. But he pushed me away. 

          It's so unfair to me. Whenever he is with me, he'll think of his girl in Malaysia. How about me?? Two days... not a single word. Does he think of me?? Worry about me?? It's so clear that I come in second. It's ridiculous. He said he loves me. I don't see it. I can't sense it.  Our photos, I can't post it. 

          But Han... He hugged me and held my hand yesterday. Holding me so tight in his arms. We took a lot of photos which is very lovely and sweet. I purposely post it to see bii's reaction. But nothing. Instead B reacted. He text me the instance he saw the photos. At least I get to know that I do have a place in B's heart. But bii?? I don't dare to think. 

Someone fell asleep ><

caught ya~~ =P

          And let me include some of the night views in King's Cross station. It's so beautiful. Really had an amazing night with Han. How I wish bii could do it with me. He always promised me but ended up he forgets. Sighs~~~

Little Surprise

"Hi, I am Anhey-hey. I feel very blessed and happy to be in UK studying as in to pursue my dream - music. I am not going to give up my dream, not for people I love, not for ones whom I hate, not for anyone. Music, to me it shall be described as my passion, my life with love... I am not afraid of cockroach, not even the fattest cockroach in platt hall!!! Fuck it... all my friends reading this say fuck the cockroach. because I am Ling Zhi Ling aka Zhi Ling Ling. :)"

>,< this is what Han wrote in my blog when he paid me a visit. I'm so sorry that I made Han and Bii worry. Sighs. Another thing, when I practically need Bii, he can never be there. Instead, Han came all the way after his boxing training to check on me. How I wish the one can be Bii. 

Today I had a great time with Bii. First time, he holds me n kiss me in front of public when there's a friend around. Eugene is very nice too. He brought us around Oxford Street and it's amazing. I was so happy until back in Platt. I really couldn't stand it anymore. I don't know whether I can continue to stay any longer. We ate Italian cuisine. Fisso!! That's the name. Delicious. Their specialty is pasta which really incredible. It's so different and the taste is awesome. 

I had the sweetest moment when Bii and I are out. Faraway. Not near in Platt or MDX. At least we are in our own world. I don't have to worry hugging or touching him. 

Actually just now Han came over, really shocked me. I didn't know that he'll actually be here for me. To just check on me. To cheer me up. There are still some out there who really treats me good. Maybe just because he's trying to get my trust. I don't know. But at least better than those who claim themselves to be your friend and back stab you from behind. 

Another thing that upsets me. Is KH. Oh god. I'm just kidding. And I got scolded by that?? This is so ridiculous. If you don't wanna tell, just say you don't know. Don't have to tell and get piss after that. So, all these while, I'm the one with problem. Fine~~ Then I'll be the problematic one. 

Finally I took the courage to book a counseling appointment. Will I go crazy soon?? Eventually...it is just a matter of time. I can't trust anyone here. Not in Platt except my dear bro, Aiman. Typical Malaysian, Chinese!! They are the worst creatures ever in this world. I promised Bii that I gotta realize my own problem. The problem now is them. They just black listed me for nothing. And do so many things behind me. I just don't want Bii to get stuck in between us. I acted like nothing happen. 

There will be a lot of things to be heard cause they saw Han coming out from my room. Already saw a post in Facebook. And I can't believe it, it's from Sue. The big mouth again. I tried to forget bout her betrayal cause of Bii but I just couldn't. She's the next thick face. 

~Betrayal~

A lot of happenings~~~ The thick face read my blog. She's really a thick face. I can't imagine people like her survive. She got no true friends at all. What a pity... She still thinks that she's the charm and she's right?? Bullshit. And she dare to post all those status in facebook. Blaming me. I really pity her now. After posting, like her own post?? So desperate. I wouldn't call her bitch now cause Caryn told me she doesn't worth it. Something about "Beautiful, Intelligent, T___, Charm" and it goes on. So I'm not gonna use that word on her. She doesn't deserve it. 

Finally, felt the betrayal. She has been a two-face all the time. The thick face wouldn't have known about my blog unless someone told her. Cause I've customized my blog to everyone except the thick face. I can't believe it. There's no one that I could trust. I don't like staying in my flat anymore except when I'm in my own room. The thick face is conquering my flat's kitchen most of the time, from 5.30pm until 11pm. What the~~ See her face also lose appetite. 

Aiman told me that he can guess that all the thick face's posts in facebook is me. OMG!! She's making a drama of herself. Attention seeker!! Still will be using this phrase. =P 

Please stop making a fuss or a fool out of yourself. You look like an idiot to me. You think you can influence me by all those?? Grow up~~ Talking about begger, she wanna count that 1.25 pound with me?? What about all the foods that I didn't eat?? I paid... If I wanna beg, I won't be so generous not counting all those with her. Please~~ Stop acting like an angel and try to be generous cause you can never be. You are just a selfish, poor, brainless, pathetic, little creature. I really sympathize on you. 

Anyway, thanks to her, I met a lot of cool friends. That cares, that helps, that loves me as a friend. 

Met up with ZhiXin as well on Sunday and had my first classical concert in London. Really enjoying it. Every single second. Exploring Central London with ZhiXin. That's just amazing. =D

It's Just Complicated...

          Yesterday I just got pissed off by an idiot that claimed herself very mature enough. But she just like to do things behind people's back. Come on, idiot. Grow up. I'll salute you if you dare to come up to me and ask. Don't just go behind people's back and said stupid, irrelevant things. Who's the begger now?? To me, it has always been you. You are the one begging for attention. Who's the loser now?? Just be like an adult. Don't be a bitch if you are not bitchy enough. Just stop testing my patience.

         Promised not to be mad or angry because of this person already. I'm just wondering again what have I got myself into. I'm just not good in handling relationship problem. Friends, lovers, someone to trust?? What's the point of being in love when you can't admit it in front of people?? But this is my first time being loved by someone. Being taken care of. Someone to talk to when I need one. Jiawen said I will eventually get hurt again because my feelings will grow with time. I cared a lot. Can't afford to lose anyone, not from my life, walking away from me again.

          Is it really that hard to actually treat someone good and love them and care for them?? I just want people around me, everyone to be happy. But the problem is, I really can't please everyone. By then, I'll hurt myself and let them hurt me. He told me today that he's getting lonely now and he's trying or searching around. It hurts but I just told him that I want him to be happy. I can't do anything anymore. I wanna be loyal to just one person. And that's so stupid as well. Cause I'm not the only one in that person's heart. Choose to believe in him and miracle. 

          There's funny news though. =P There's three westerner came up to me telling me that I'm very cute. Got something to proud of?? They are so nice and kind to me. Met another new friend from Malaysia too yesterday. Han!! He's such a cute guy. Lovely~~~ I'm cute to him as well. >< Straight away giving me a hug when he saw me today at the sports' center. That's too friendly I guess... XD Everyone seems so nice and I have chosen my path. Maybe I should just stick to my piano all these while. Should get out of trouble when I could enjoy every single minute. But I love him being there for me. 

Sickening ><"

My condition is getting worst. The weather is unbearable. And I need to book for a doctor's consultation?? OMG~~~ What if I suddenly black out in the middle of the street?? This is so brainless. Everything here needs to follow the rules that much?? It's a disaster. 

I'm so sick back in school today. I can't be excused too. At least I attended one hour of it. What's the big deal?? He's just so horrible. 

I received his messages today. Should I be happy?? Tired of waiting though~~~ I'm praying so hard that I could receive his messages. Finally I received it, but this feeling strikes me. 

I'm sick, does it matter to him?? I replied telling him too but again, no replies. I wanted to cry but I can't cause I'll suffer even more after crying. Already having breathing difficulty even when I'm so normal, what to say if I cry?? 

Who can understand me... 

Asda & Chinatown

Wow!! A busy day, it is for yesterday. Amazing. Grocery in the morning, lunch mania and shopping spree in the evening. XD It's so enjoyable. First time ever in London, felt that I'm in a group of friends. It is really crazy for everyone. 

Asda shopping for grocery has always been the best. I got the whole supply for the whole week again. Ain't that nice?? I got some scones too. Just out of sudden, felt like eating them, and in the night, I made my specialty scones to KokHoong and Andy. ^^ They appreciated it. Hopefully they are. I just love to see the smile from my friends once I made something or bake something for them. It's indescribable. Just like how I made all the desserts for him. 

Such a busy day after that. Went to Chinatown in Central London for the buffet. Halal buffet!!! Aiman is the man~~~ I had the most fun yesterday, no worries, got tease, being myself. The buffet is not bad, but too little food. Young Cheng is the name of the shop. It's opened by Malaysian. Not bad. However, the "siu mai" there really cannot. ><" I miss dimsum in Malaysia. especially Ipoh!!!

This is the crazy group that lights up my days

After our lunch buffet, Primark!!! Our next stop. ^^ Shopping is always the best thing to do. We were rushing though cause they were closing soon. I got myself some sweaters that I like a lot. 

At the end of the day, I suffer. Breathing difficulty. OMG~~~ It strikes me now?? Not in winter?? The temperature is crazy... I'm so weak. Hurt my leg, then can't breathe?? 

Every time I'm sick, I tend to miss my mum and him a lot. Until now, he doesn't message, doesn't reply.Why?? Cried again, like a baby. But I've made my priority. Piano always comes first. Attended my class again. Loving it by each week. Really can't waste time. Play hard, work smart and stay cheerful ~~~ <3     

My Fine Saturday~~~

         

         It's so peaceful being here alone with the piano. Piano always calms me down. It's a Saturday and I'm alone in MDX. I love being here. It's so quiet in the weekends. Guess it's my territory. ^^ had some slow practice and I did concentrate hard. =) playing songs that's wonderfully beautiful. Thinking bout my mum and him most of the time. Getting use to it already?? Saw some of his updates. Happy and excited for him. How I wish I could be back there with him. In the same time, I wish he is here with me now in London.


          First ever in my record~~~ ><" I'm wearing coat while practicing?? It's so cold here in the concert room. It's freezing. They on the air conditioner instead of heater?? Anyway, it's just amazing being here. Set my priority. Aim for my goal. Chase my dream. Music~~~

          I had a very supportive teacher. Thank you Ms Karen. Your advise is always not enough. Thank you for reminding me, my purpose here.

          I met with my piano teacher in MDX too. Yesterday. I can say I love her a lot. She's a concert pianist and she's so lovely. I really gotta brush up my repertoire. Can't disappoint myself. I live for myself. =)

The road that I've taken~~

          



Stay strong~~~ reminding myself all the time...







          I've hurt my left foot as well. ><" now it hurts when I walk~~~ Sighs. What should I do?? Should I follow them out later?? How bout tomorrow?? Should I just stay and rest... Alone again. I'll get use to it... very soon. 

It's Just So Wrong...

I can't fulfilled the promise that I promised him. I promised I'll enjoy every single second here but I can't. I'm back on my own again. It's just too much drama. I can't take it. I can't bare with it. In front of you said everything have to say out. Don't keep it inside. But actually she's the one hiding all. She's the two face here. What's her problem?? Just that one sentence that I said on our first week here and she hated me until now, until she does so much to isolate me?? Who's the fake one?? I can't say it out. Andy said he's frustrated. I got tired too. 

I wanted to tell him. Another promise I couldn't keep. Happy or sad, gotta tell him. I'm started to scare now. Will he go through with me?? He'll be so busy for this few days. Stef's wedding. I don't wanna burden him, as usual. So I keep it to myself. Do well my part?? How?? Avoiding everyone?? Wherever I go, I hear things. Bout this bout that. It's never ending. Anxiety again?? Gotta prepare for performance?? Who can I talk too?? He said I gotta get use to his none reply attitude. If not, I'll suffer. But I am already near to suffer. Am I losing him already?? Am I being lonely?? What is lonely?? I am alone all these times. 

It's all so wrong. Is it wrong being here?? Is it wrong being alone?? Why everyone needs to wear masks to face their everyday?? I am wearing mask right now too. I miss the cheerful, happy, blurred, simple-minded me. I want all these tears to stop.  

Meeting Up With My Dearie From Yamaha

What a happy day for me today ~~~ Met up with my dearie from yamaha. Caryn dear.... I'm so happy to see her. Made me felt like I'm back in my home country. Really can't believe it. It's worth it to take some of my time purposely go down to Central London to meet her. We had such a long chat. Both of us really had a lot of happenings going on. Exchanging experiences. >.<

I think we really did changed a lot. We learned to appreciate and love each other more. At least, someone that has known me for quite some time. Back in yamaha, we had so many dramas. Unbelievable is that now we respect each other and love each other. The dramas can never be enough. It's even worst here. 

We went to Covent Garden. ^^ I'm so stupid. I really can't read maps. Oh my god. It took me almost an hour to find where's Covent Garden. It's actually so near and I was rounding the same area for quite a lot of times. 

Had a lovely day. But there is always that bothers me. I really can't mix along. It's just so weird. Even with Andy. Why is it always me, the one that can't see the light?? Like as if, if you treat me good in front of your friends, it's wrong. I had always been this blur. This is me. I am slow. Cause sometimes I really didn't pay attention to what you all are saying. I am always in my own world. When there's only the two of us, he treats me differently. Sighs. What is all this?? 

Anyway, I can't be bothered by all this. Inside my heart, he already occupied all of it. The special one. I miss him so much. Okay, now I really miss him nagging, making fun of me or complaining about me. I miss hugging him too.