Little Surprise

"Hi, I am Anhey-hey. I feel very blessed and happy to be in UK studying as in to pursue my dream - music. I am not going to give up my dream, not for people I love, not for ones whom I hate, not for anyone. Music, to me it shall be described as my passion, my life with love... I am not afraid of cockroach, not even the fattest cockroach in platt hall!!! Fuck it... all my friends reading this say fuck the cockroach. because I am Ling Zhi Ling aka Zhi Ling Ling. :)"

>,< this is what Han wrote in my blog when he paid me a visit. I'm so sorry that I made Han and Bii worry. Sighs. Another thing, when I practically need Bii, he can never be there. Instead, Han came all the way after his boxing training to check on me. How I wish the one can be Bii. 

Today I had a great time with Bii. First time, he holds me n kiss me in front of public when there's a friend around. Eugene is very nice too. He brought us around Oxford Street and it's amazing. I was so happy until back in Platt. I really couldn't stand it anymore. I don't know whether I can continue to stay any longer. We ate Italian cuisine. Fisso!! That's the name. Delicious. Their specialty is pasta which really incredible. It's so different and the taste is awesome. 

I had the sweetest moment when Bii and I are out. Faraway. Not near in Platt or MDX. At least we are in our own world. I don't have to worry hugging or touching him. 

Actually just now Han came over, really shocked me. I didn't know that he'll actually be here for me. To just check on me. To cheer me up. There are still some out there who really treats me good. Maybe just because he's trying to get my trust. I don't know. But at least better than those who claim themselves to be your friend and back stab you from behind. 

Another thing that upsets me. Is KH. Oh god. I'm just kidding. And I got scolded by that?? This is so ridiculous. If you don't wanna tell, just say you don't know. Don't have to tell and get piss after that. So, all these while, I'm the one with problem. Fine~~ Then I'll be the problematic one. 

Finally I took the courage to book a counseling appointment. Will I go crazy soon?? Eventually...it is just a matter of time. I can't trust anyone here. Not in Platt except my dear bro, Aiman. Typical Malaysian, Chinese!! They are the worst creatures ever in this world. I promised Bii that I gotta realize my own problem. The problem now is them. They just black listed me for nothing. And do so many things behind me. I just don't want Bii to get stuck in between us. I acted like nothing happen. 

There will be a lot of things to be heard cause they saw Han coming out from my room. Already saw a post in Facebook. And I can't believe it, it's from Sue. The big mouth again. I tried to forget bout her betrayal cause of Bii but I just couldn't. She's the next thick face. 

~Betrayal~

A lot of happenings~~~ The thick face read my blog. She's really a thick face. I can't imagine people like her survive. She got no true friends at all. What a pity... She still thinks that she's the charm and she's right?? Bullshit. And she dare to post all those status in facebook. Blaming me. I really pity her now. After posting, like her own post?? So desperate. I wouldn't call her bitch now cause Caryn told me she doesn't worth it. Something about "Beautiful, Intelligent, T___, Charm" and it goes on. So I'm not gonna use that word on her. She doesn't deserve it. 

Finally, felt the betrayal. She has been a two-face all the time. The thick face wouldn't have known about my blog unless someone told her. Cause I've customized my blog to everyone except the thick face. I can't believe it. There's no one that I could trust. I don't like staying in my flat anymore except when I'm in my own room. The thick face is conquering my flat's kitchen most of the time, from 5.30pm until 11pm. What the~~ See her face also lose appetite. 

Aiman told me that he can guess that all the thick face's posts in facebook is me. OMG!! She's making a drama of herself. Attention seeker!! Still will be using this phrase. =P 

Please stop making a fuss or a fool out of yourself. You look like an idiot to me. You think you can influence me by all those?? Grow up~~ Talking about begger, she wanna count that 1.25 pound with me?? What about all the foods that I didn't eat?? I paid... If I wanna beg, I won't be so generous not counting all those with her. Please~~ Stop acting like an angel and try to be generous cause you can never be. You are just a selfish, poor, brainless, pathetic, little creature. I really sympathize on you. 

Anyway, thanks to her, I met a lot of cool friends. That cares, that helps, that loves me as a friend. 

Met up with ZhiXin as well on Sunday and had my first classical concert in London. Really enjoying it. Every single second. Exploring Central London with ZhiXin. That's just amazing. =D

It's Just Complicated...

          Yesterday I just got pissed off by an idiot that claimed herself very mature enough. But she just like to do things behind people's back. Come on, idiot. Grow up. I'll salute you if you dare to come up to me and ask. Don't just go behind people's back and said stupid, irrelevant things. Who's the begger now?? To me, it has always been you. You are the one begging for attention. Who's the loser now?? Just be like an adult. Don't be a bitch if you are not bitchy enough. Just stop testing my patience.

         Promised not to be mad or angry because of this person already. I'm just wondering again what have I got myself into. I'm just not good in handling relationship problem. Friends, lovers, someone to trust?? What's the point of being in love when you can't admit it in front of people?? But this is my first time being loved by someone. Being taken care of. Someone to talk to when I need one. Jiawen said I will eventually get hurt again because my feelings will grow with time. I cared a lot. Can't afford to lose anyone, not from my life, walking away from me again.

          Is it really that hard to actually treat someone good and love them and care for them?? I just want people around me, everyone to be happy. But the problem is, I really can't please everyone. By then, I'll hurt myself and let them hurt me. He told me today that he's getting lonely now and he's trying or searching around. It hurts but I just told him that I want him to be happy. I can't do anything anymore. I wanna be loyal to just one person. And that's so stupid as well. Cause I'm not the only one in that person's heart. Choose to believe in him and miracle. 

          There's funny news though. =P There's three westerner came up to me telling me that I'm very cute. Got something to proud of?? They are so nice and kind to me. Met another new friend from Malaysia too yesterday. Han!! He's such a cute guy. Lovely~~~ I'm cute to him as well. >< Straight away giving me a hug when he saw me today at the sports' center. That's too friendly I guess... XD Everyone seems so nice and I have chosen my path. Maybe I should just stick to my piano all these while. Should get out of trouble when I could enjoy every single minute. But I love him being there for me. 

Sickening ><"

My condition is getting worst. The weather is unbearable. And I need to book for a doctor's consultation?? OMG~~~ What if I suddenly black out in the middle of the street?? This is so brainless. Everything here needs to follow the rules that much?? It's a disaster. 

I'm so sick back in school today. I can't be excused too. At least I attended one hour of it. What's the big deal?? He's just so horrible. 

I received his messages today. Should I be happy?? Tired of waiting though~~~ I'm praying so hard that I could receive his messages. Finally I received it, but this feeling strikes me. 

I'm sick, does it matter to him?? I replied telling him too but again, no replies. I wanted to cry but I can't cause I'll suffer even more after crying. Already having breathing difficulty even when I'm so normal, what to say if I cry?? 

Who can understand me... 

Asda & Chinatown

Wow!! A busy day, it is for yesterday. Amazing. Grocery in the morning, lunch mania and shopping spree in the evening. XD It's so enjoyable. First time ever in London, felt that I'm in a group of friends. It is really crazy for everyone. 

Asda shopping for grocery has always been the best. I got the whole supply for the whole week again. Ain't that nice?? I got some scones too. Just out of sudden, felt like eating them, and in the night, I made my specialty scones to KokHoong and Andy. ^^ They appreciated it. Hopefully they are. I just love to see the smile from my friends once I made something or bake something for them. It's indescribable. Just like how I made all the desserts for him. 

Such a busy day after that. Went to Chinatown in Central London for the buffet. Halal buffet!!! Aiman is the man~~~ I had the most fun yesterday, no worries, got tease, being myself. The buffet is not bad, but too little food. Young Cheng is the name of the shop. It's opened by Malaysian. Not bad. However, the "siu mai" there really cannot. ><" I miss dimsum in Malaysia. especially Ipoh!!!

This is the crazy group that lights up my days

After our lunch buffet, Primark!!! Our next stop. ^^ Shopping is always the best thing to do. We were rushing though cause they were closing soon. I got myself some sweaters that I like a lot. 

At the end of the day, I suffer. Breathing difficulty. OMG~~~ It strikes me now?? Not in winter?? The temperature is crazy... I'm so weak. Hurt my leg, then can't breathe?? 

Every time I'm sick, I tend to miss my mum and him a lot. Until now, he doesn't message, doesn't reply.Why?? Cried again, like a baby. But I've made my priority. Piano always comes first. Attended my class again. Loving it by each week. Really can't waste time. Play hard, work smart and stay cheerful ~~~ <3     

My Fine Saturday~~~

         

         It's so peaceful being here alone with the piano. Piano always calms me down. It's a Saturday and I'm alone in MDX. I love being here. It's so quiet in the weekends. Guess it's my territory. ^^ had some slow practice and I did concentrate hard. =) playing songs that's wonderfully beautiful. Thinking bout my mum and him most of the time. Getting use to it already?? Saw some of his updates. Happy and excited for him. How I wish I could be back there with him. In the same time, I wish he is here with me now in London.


          First ever in my record~~~ ><" I'm wearing coat while practicing?? It's so cold here in the concert room. It's freezing. They on the air conditioner instead of heater?? Anyway, it's just amazing being here. Set my priority. Aim for my goal. Chase my dream. Music~~~

          I had a very supportive teacher. Thank you Ms Karen. Your advise is always not enough. Thank you for reminding me, my purpose here.

          I met with my piano teacher in MDX too. Yesterday. I can say I love her a lot. She's a concert pianist and she's so lovely. I really gotta brush up my repertoire. Can't disappoint myself. I live for myself. =)

The road that I've taken~~

          



Stay strong~~~ reminding myself all the time...







          I've hurt my left foot as well. ><" now it hurts when I walk~~~ Sighs. What should I do?? Should I follow them out later?? How bout tomorrow?? Should I just stay and rest... Alone again. I'll get use to it... very soon. 

It's Just So Wrong...

I can't fulfilled the promise that I promised him. I promised I'll enjoy every single second here but I can't. I'm back on my own again. It's just too much drama. I can't take it. I can't bare with it. In front of you said everything have to say out. Don't keep it inside. But actually she's the one hiding all. She's the two face here. What's her problem?? Just that one sentence that I said on our first week here and she hated me until now, until she does so much to isolate me?? Who's the fake one?? I can't say it out. Andy said he's frustrated. I got tired too. 

I wanted to tell him. Another promise I couldn't keep. Happy or sad, gotta tell him. I'm started to scare now. Will he go through with me?? He'll be so busy for this few days. Stef's wedding. I don't wanna burden him, as usual. So I keep it to myself. Do well my part?? How?? Avoiding everyone?? Wherever I go, I hear things. Bout this bout that. It's never ending. Anxiety again?? Gotta prepare for performance?? Who can I talk too?? He said I gotta get use to his none reply attitude. If not, I'll suffer. But I am already near to suffer. Am I losing him already?? Am I being lonely?? What is lonely?? I am alone all these times. 

It's all so wrong. Is it wrong being here?? Is it wrong being alone?? Why everyone needs to wear masks to face their everyday?? I am wearing mask right now too. I miss the cheerful, happy, blurred, simple-minded me. I want all these tears to stop.  

Meeting Up With My Dearie From Yamaha

What a happy day for me today ~~~ Met up with my dearie from yamaha. Caryn dear.... I'm so happy to see her. Made me felt like I'm back in my home country. Really can't believe it. It's worth it to take some of my time purposely go down to Central London to meet her. We had such a long chat. Both of us really had a lot of happenings going on. Exchanging experiences. >.<

I think we really did changed a lot. We learned to appreciate and love each other more. At least, someone that has known me for quite some time. Back in yamaha, we had so many dramas. Unbelievable is that now we respect each other and love each other. The dramas can never be enough. It's even worst here. 

We went to Covent Garden. ^^ I'm so stupid. I really can't read maps. Oh my god. It took me almost an hour to find where's Covent Garden. It's actually so near and I was rounding the same area for quite a lot of times. 

Had a lovely day. But there is always that bothers me. I really can't mix along. It's just so weird. Even with Andy. Why is it always me, the one that can't see the light?? Like as if, if you treat me good in front of your friends, it's wrong. I had always been this blur. This is me. I am slow. Cause sometimes I really didn't pay attention to what you all are saying. I am always in my own world. When there's only the two of us, he treats me differently. Sighs. What is all this?? 

Anyway, I can't be bothered by all this. Inside my heart, he already occupied all of it. The special one. I miss him so much. Okay, now I really miss him nagging, making fun of me or complaining about me. I miss hugging him too.

5 October ~~~

         


          I am still surviving in London. It is a huge city. I really can't believe that I came here all the way by myself. I miss a lot of things back there. Missed my family and him.

       



          Middlesex is cool. It is so different back in Malaysia. The people. The environment. The subjects/courses. I got freaked out at first. But I told myself, I am here already. What can I do?? I can't be giving all this up?? Is it worth it?? I can't believe that there is so many dramas here. I thought I left it behind. It is even worst here. So, this is the real society. Who can I trust?? Why can't they treat everyone equally with their heart?? Aren't we the same??

          Anyway, I really love school. Can't wait for it to start. Pressure. Stress. Coming to me now but that is what's all this are about. Back to my own world. Found a place that I can call life. Music!! I get to see all this with my own eyes. Theater. Countryside. Every streets in London. A lot of happenings in Middlesex too. So many events. Everyday is a fun day.

         

          I am still a kid back there and here. Wishing mum and him can be here. On my way to Cambridge now. Just realized how lucky I am to be here. Promised myself to make it through. Not looking back. I gotta make everyone proud, especially myself. Never leave home before. Not a single time. One whole year here, I know will be a torture. Still crying every night.