I'm So Stupid

          I hate myself!!! I'm so stupid. Trying to be funny and humorous?? It all went to the wrong side. I made Bii so angry. 

          Actually he can't blame me for being like this. He never made me feel secure. I thought I don't have a place in his heart. I thought that he won't care about me. I thought that I'm not important to him. That's why I misinterpreted his text. I thought he was just being funny. That's why I was being sarcastic. 

          But what I didn't expect is Bii has such big reaction. First time I heard Bii so sad and angry. He told me he's already feeling guilty and why do I have to say like that?? It really breaks my heart to know that Bii is sad. I never wanna make the situation to become like that. 

          Should I be happy or worried now?? How am I going to make things better?? What should I do?? 

          Another issue... I can't imagine it. Not even from the start that Han will betray me. He talked behind my back. What the~~ This is all so ridiculous. He's the one who asked me to go to his place often. Then now he's complaining to others that I always go to his place. When I didn't show up, he text me by saying "Why no come??". When I go, he complained. This is nonsense!! 

          Why am I so stupid?? Why I can't differentiate who to trust and who's not?? I don't wanna care. I don't wanna know. All I want now is to make things better for me and Bii. I owe him an apology but I want him to know why I reacted that way too~~ 

Wednesday - 27 Dec `13

I'm so happy today. I got great feedback for my performance. Playing Mendelssohn's "Song Without Words Op. 62, No. 6". Relax and enjoy the music. I enjoyed myself today. Both my lecturers said I improved a lot. They were amazed and asked me what have I done to practice and achieved what I had today?? They were so nice to me. I learned a lot. I love my piano teacher so much. Without her, I don't think I can achieve what I had today. There's still a lot to be learned and I shouldn't give up. Back to business. Shouldn't let those haters do what they want. I won't let it happen to me. I shouldn't give up my dream. I'm getting use to it now. I don't have to change in order to make people happy. I should just make myself happy.

Another problem. Don't know what's wrong with HanHan. He's being so cold to me. Instead he said I'm the one being weird and arrogant. Sighs. I don't understand him. On Sunday, I really got shocked. Smoking?? Bad attitude?? Stress doesn't mean anything. Everyone has stress. I'm being so tolerate with him. I cooked cause I want him to feel better. But he just turned into someone else. I don't know what to do, cause no matter what I do, he's never satisfied. I asked, what's wrong?? I tried to concern. But he's not accepting it. I just don't know what to do with him anymore. If I'm being arrogant, I won't be updating him all my trips. He's the one who pushed me aside.

My relation with Bii is getting much better. I don't know why... I don't wanna know either. I just wanna spend time with Bii. That's all. I'm accepting Bii as who he is. I don't complain. I don't demand. Guess I really have feelings for him. He's accompanying me to a lot of places now. He remembers his promises. Even just looking at him doing his work, I feel so blessed. Supporting him, helping him through. Reminding him~~~ luckily I didn't choose to break up with Bii. Or else I'll be regretting so much by then. No matter what, I still own a place in bii's heart. That's all that matter.

My First Time

So this is my first time being in a relationship and it's a disaster already. I don't even know whether I'm considered in a relationship or not. 

Bii made me look like a third party now. He's telling everybody he got a girlfriend in Malaysia. Then who am I?? A replacement object?? I'm trying my best not to be so serious most of the time. But if you really love that person, will you at least make that person feel special?? Clearly that I made Bii a special one but who am I to him?? 

I felt so stupid right now, right at this moment!! I put in so much efforts. Does this even mean slightly to him?? I changed myself to make him proud, but he never change a single bit for me. I tolerate. But everyone's patience has a limit. 

Whenever it comes to love, my life is in a mess. I just don't know how to handle properly. And I always got bothered by this stupid matter. Damn it~~ !!! 

Is there anyone out there that actually appreciate?? For god sake~~ Love is so pure and innocent. But they just make it become black and dark and difficult. 

Bii said he's not good in memorizing numbers. Fine. He forgets my birthday, it's alright. I'll remind him. But, please~~ at least make me feel secure. I'm like worrying everyday, when will I be losing him?? 

I Don't Know What To Do

          I'm really in deep trouble now. Han is shiftly moving into my life now. But Bii got no feeling at all. What am I to him?? Doesn't he jealous when he sees his girlfriend being so close with another guy?? Not even a word, a text or a call... This is heart breaking. He doesn't care at all?? I'm just a substitute to him?? A replacement again?? 

          I'm very happy with Han. He's so fun and I'm in a dilemma now. Should I end what we have started with Bii?? I can't. I'm human. I have feelings for him. But he doesn't seem to care at all. What really piss me is whenever we are out, and there are others around us, he avoids me like I'm a virus to him. Does he know how hurt it is?? Normal friends still can talk or hug each other. I do it most of the time. But he pushed me away. 

          It's so unfair to me. Whenever he is with me, he'll think of his girl in Malaysia. How about me?? Two days... not a single word. Does he think of me?? Worry about me?? It's so clear that I come in second. It's ridiculous. He said he loves me. I don't see it. I can't sense it.  Our photos, I can't post it. 

          But Han... He hugged me and held my hand yesterday. Holding me so tight in his arms. We took a lot of photos which is very lovely and sweet. I purposely post it to see bii's reaction. But nothing. Instead B reacted. He text me the instance he saw the photos. At least I get to know that I do have a place in B's heart. But bii?? I don't dare to think. 

Someone fell asleep ><

caught ya~~ =P

          And let me include some of the night views in King's Cross station. It's so beautiful. Really had an amazing night with Han. How I wish bii could do it with me. He always promised me but ended up he forgets. Sighs~~~