I'm Back With Writing... ^^

Such a long time to pen down my emotions. Checked back my previous post. I can't believe it. It has always been the same problem. What is wrong with me? Am I really that weak? Why am I always fall for the same problem, same hole? I think I am cursed with the word "LOVE". Shouldn't have trusted anyone from the start besides my family. I am really being a jerk. A brainless one. 

          What's the point of all this?? Making me stronger? But I never seem to learn anything from the past. I kept on making the same mistake. Trusting people. Trusting guys! Falling in love. Every year one? Isn't it a bit too much?? I couldn't survive without a guy?? This is so unfair. How come guys got the priority of hurting girls? I just want someone that can understand me and love me. Finally I found him. He's like a family to me. Trusted him with my heart, until now. Still lying to myself that I have a chance. Thought that he'll realize my existence. But he made me promised that nothing affects our friendship.

I understand. I'm just a tool for him to get over his past?? I don't think so. He's not that kind of guy that I used to know. Maybe he changed? But I still believe in him. Have faith in him. This one whole year being with him really changed me a lot. From a 'super pampered, high maintenance, bad tempered princess' to a 'self conscious, humble and care for others' normal girl. A good thing?? A lot of my friends told me that he's not worth it. Out of 10, none of them support me in waiting for him. All of them said he doesn't deserve me. I shouldn't treat him so good. Made him special. But the fact is, he is special to me. 

          I'm flying off soon. To UK. He'll be in Malaysia. So, the test is on. This is the challenge. Should I hold onto all the memories or letting go? What kind of memories we had? Consider happy? Sad? In love? How is it like being in love? I don't know it anymore. I just wanna see him smile. Being himself, confident. I never regret in giving him everything. I gave and I take. I took with me, the precious moments, the lies he said, the unfulfilled promises he made. I just got a photo, the only one photo with him. Just us in it. That's enough for me to move on. I'm looking at it everyday, because I'm so afraid that his face will fade away from my memory. 

I fulfilled all my promises to him. Last year's birthday present, cards with my hand-written quotes. I chose all the scenery from London and Paris. I want him to remember where I am. Where he can find me if one day he realize my existence. And to remind him, another challenge that I wish he could succeed. Barcelona. I really hope that we can actually meet up there. I really will be there for him, if he choose to let me know. I did not text him anymore. He made me promised him to text too, but will he care if I text? The next is his upcoming birthday in year end. I know I can't be there for him anymore. I made him a birthday cake in advance. Did he taste it? Does it matter? My first time baking for someone. The someone that meant so much to me.  But does he appreciate?? I just want him to know that I'm willing to change and learn for him. Finally his upcoming birthday present. A white grand piano nano block. Made by myself also. Each block, my time and my patience. Remembering me by looking at the piano. White equals to pure. Piano equals to me. All my first times, is him. Remember me as the pure, innocent, naive, simple me. How I wish he could be the last as well. 

          I really miss him a lot. Day by day. Wanting to message him every single minute. Wishing to see him right in front of me. Hoping he would hug me again. One year, I can't say its very long but its definitely not a short period.