Sighs. Why do this kind of feelings hit me every few days? It really does not do me any good. I really miss him so badly. Friday we were still chatting, and after that, he started to change again. I don't know him. When he's with his friends, I'm nothing. However, I didn't force him. he doesn't wanna message, I won't message him. Maybe I really love him a lot. I just want him to be happy. Didn't message him the whole day on Sunday. But he messaged me in the night. I didn't know until Monday, in school. How can I ever tell him that I miss him so much?
Friday: Greyson Chance's live performance in KL Live, Life Centre. First time ever to a live performance. That was cool. Went with Kyee and John. My second time with them. We were cool. Searching for roads. Ended up in Pavillion, watched "Immortal", it's a very nice movie. Love it!! Funny part was, Kyee screamed in the cinema!! I was laughing inside. And the movie reminded me of him. The name Theseuz. His game character's name. Why everything has to be related to him? We walked to KL Live. First time also, walking in the street of KL. Amazing!! GC was quite handsome. I'm so in love with blonde. >.<"
Saturday: Went to Kyee's house to do assignment. But ended up played Facebook's tetris? @_@ He pissed me off. Really was mad at him. Didn't feel like talking to him also. But I chat a lot with WH. OMG!! He's cool too. XD
Sunday: Yamaha drum camp 2011!! It really was an amazing experience. But it's so tiring. Went to school early. Helping out, was fun and crazy for the whole day. Knew a lot of cool drummers too. Messaged with WH and Reeve the whole day. Cause I don't feel like messaging him. What for message him when he doesn't feel like replying. It will just makes me hate myself even more. Ate dinner with WH, with Kyee too. Don't dare to go out with him alone. He was so nice to pick us up at Sunway. And I had a new nickname, "Polar Bear". Thanks to WH. Second time hanging out with WH.
Monday, 14 November 2011
Wednesday, 9 November 2011
My Feelings...?
I was so excited yesterday. I got 2 tickets to go to Greyson Chance's live performance in KL Live, Life Centre. Amazing. I can't believe it. In my whole life, I never been to any live performance before, except ensembles. But this is so different. I can get to see a singer performing live. OMG!! I'm really excited about it.
The first person I think o,f is him, when I got the tickets. I asked him and yet, he turned me down again. Sighs. I was really disappointed with it. The second time he turned me down. Excuse me? If a girl being turned down for the second time, they should totally give up on that guy. I didn't reply to his last SMS. After 2 hours, he SMS me again. Asking me not to be EMO, telling me that he really got something to do on that day and he is sorry about it. Actually it's nothing, I just don't feel like replying to him. That's all. And now, I'm starting to think again. Do I mean something to him?
I tagged him videos of Greyson Chance. 1 of it with the title "Unfriend You". He commented on it : So we are not friends anymore?? Ok... Bye...
It hurts when I saw that comment. My tears automatically flowed down the moment I saw it. I didn't even mean anything. I just thought of showing him who's Greyson. That's all. So, I messaged him saying that it hurts, and I didn't mean that. If he wants to do that, it's up to him. And I cried again. Obviously he did replied and I think that shocked him too. I didn't reply in Whatsapp. So he SMS me. Apologizing and explaining. Which basically after 2 or 3 SMS-es, I forgave him. Sighs. Love??
Does this mean something? Do I really have a place in his heart? I was actually kinda happy when he really did tried and gave effort in trying to calm me down and explain and apologize. Ok, this is not good. I'm not trying to pull myself out, instead I think I'm stepping into much more deeper. OMG!! @_@
Today in vocal ensemble, CMM tried to humiliate me again. Sobs. But she's giving me a chance to sing solo in the ensemble. I can't believe it. It's a great opportunity. I don't think I wanna lose it. I'll hold on tight to this chance. Thank God!! And of course, our dear Ms Mee Mee.
The first person I think o,f is him, when I got the tickets. I asked him and yet, he turned me down again. Sighs. I was really disappointed with it. The second time he turned me down. Excuse me? If a girl being turned down for the second time, they should totally give up on that guy. I didn't reply to his last SMS. After 2 hours, he SMS me again. Asking me not to be EMO, telling me that he really got something to do on that day and he is sorry about it. Actually it's nothing, I just don't feel like replying to him. That's all. And now, I'm starting to think again. Do I mean something to him?
I tagged him videos of Greyson Chance. 1 of it with the title "Unfriend You". He commented on it : So we are not friends anymore?? Ok... Bye...
It hurts when I saw that comment. My tears automatically flowed down the moment I saw it. I didn't even mean anything. I just thought of showing him who's Greyson. That's all. So, I messaged him saying that it hurts, and I didn't mean that. If he wants to do that, it's up to him. And I cried again. Obviously he did replied and I think that shocked him too. I didn't reply in Whatsapp. So he SMS me. Apologizing and explaining. Which basically after 2 or 3 SMS-es, I forgave him. Sighs. Love??
Does this mean something? Do I really have a place in his heart? I was actually kinda happy when he really did tried and gave effort in trying to calm me down and explain and apologize. Ok, this is not good. I'm not trying to pull myself out, instead I think I'm stepping into much more deeper. OMG!! @_@
Today in vocal ensemble, CMM tried to humiliate me again. Sobs. But she's giving me a chance to sing solo in the ensemble. I can't believe it. It's a great opportunity. I don't think I wanna lose it. I'll hold on tight to this chance. Thank God!! And of course, our dear Ms Mee Mee.
Monday, 31 October 2011
Bravery...
Finally I wrote it out. I wrote all my feelings in the notebook that I'm going to give him tomorrow. If he ever opens it, he will know about it. But if he doesn't, means its through. It's the end of it. I decided to let him know, means I'm ready to let go. Cause I know, I won't get any answer from him or he'll just turn me down. This is what I wrote:
The reason I pen this down is because I couldn't find the words to tell you. Didn't mean to burden you at all. Now that I understand, when you told me that you heart ache when you saw her with another guy. The same feeling is flowing inside me now. Every time I see you with her, my heart ache. I don't know when I started to have this feeling. This is why I've been acting strange lately and this is something that I can't figure out. I know it's not right. It's so wrong to fall for you. I'm sorry! I know my life is boring because there is only music. I never hope that this love would be returned. I just wanna be honest with myself. And I trust you. Promise me, go after your happiness. Don't wait for it to come. You are not alone. Just remember, I will always support, care and be there for you. The poem "Passerby" that I wrote, actually reflecting me in your life. Thanks for allowing me to try to fit in. Hoping that you won't ignore and avoid me after reading this. You are a good friend and I'm beginning to rely on you. I'm sorry, to have feelings for you.
Sighs...Maybe I really should move on and concentrate in my studies. My future is so important to me. A promise to myself, will never screw my future!!
By the way, today Gil told me about Summer again. I'm happy for her but still, I care so much on what he thinks about me. He said something that hurt me again. I'm not an idiot nor crazy. I'm just me. I don't know. The wall between me and Gil is getting thicker. I'm not sure its because of him or its because of me. Maybe I just couldn't fit in.
Anyway, I'm happy to receive something from Gil and Xbaby. I love them so much. They light up my day. I will try my best to search for myself again. I will be happy!!
The reason I pen this down is because I couldn't find the words to tell you. Didn't mean to burden you at all. Now that I understand, when you told me that you heart ache when you saw her with another guy. The same feeling is flowing inside me now. Every time I see you with her, my heart ache. I don't know when I started to have this feeling. This is why I've been acting strange lately and this is something that I can't figure out. I know it's not right. It's so wrong to fall for you. I'm sorry! I know my life is boring because there is only music. I never hope that this love would be returned. I just wanna be honest with myself. And I trust you. Promise me, go after your happiness. Don't wait for it to come. You are not alone. Just remember, I will always support, care and be there for you. The poem "Passerby" that I wrote, actually reflecting me in your life. Thanks for allowing me to try to fit in. Hoping that you won't ignore and avoid me after reading this. You are a good friend and I'm beginning to rely on you. I'm sorry, to have feelings for you.
Sighs...Maybe I really should move on and concentrate in my studies. My future is so important to me. A promise to myself, will never screw my future!!
By the way, today Gil told me about Summer again. I'm happy for her but still, I care so much on what he thinks about me. He said something that hurt me again. I'm not an idiot nor crazy. I'm just me. I don't know. The wall between me and Gil is getting thicker. I'm not sure its because of him or its because of me. Maybe I just couldn't fit in.
Anyway, I'm happy to receive something from Gil and Xbaby. I love them so much. They light up my day. I will try my best to search for myself again. I will be happy!!
Sunday, 30 October 2011
What Am I Thinking??
Wasn't free to pen down lately. Kinda busy with assignment. And I really need some rest. What's wrong with me?? I thought I promised myself to let go and yet I'm still feeling so bad about it. I hate it every time I check my facebook. I really don't wanna look at it. But every time I flip through it, I definitely find something that will hurt me so bad. Damn it. What the hell is this?? Am I really in hell now??
I get it why yesterday he didn't seem like replying me. Cause he was out with her again. Who the hell he think I am? A maid? A slave? Why every time has to be this way? Am I really nothing to anyone? Am I the tiniest character in a movie? A monster in a game? Was meant to be hurt or killed?? I am really pissed right now. I was praying for calmness, peacefulness and wisdom the other day in the temple. I got it for 2 days. But right now, here I go again.
I really wanna scream out loud. FUCK YOU!!! YOU ARE TORTURING ME!!!
Gil told me that he was lazy to reply because guys are like that. I took it. Didn't wanna blame him also. But what I saw today in facebook really kills me. Sighs. Why do I have this kind of spare time to even think about him? He's nothing... nothing at all. Why do I have this kind of feeling??
Will I ever cross in his mind?? I never should have believe in miracles. This is tearing me apart.
I get it why yesterday he didn't seem like replying me. Cause he was out with her again. Who the hell he think I am? A maid? A slave? Why every time has to be this way? Am I really nothing to anyone? Am I the tiniest character in a movie? A monster in a game? Was meant to be hurt or killed?? I am really pissed right now. I was praying for calmness, peacefulness and wisdom the other day in the temple. I got it for 2 days. But right now, here I go again.
I really wanna scream out loud. FUCK YOU!!! YOU ARE TORTURING ME!!!
Gil told me that he was lazy to reply because guys are like that. I took it. Didn't wanna blame him also. But what I saw today in facebook really kills me. Sighs. Why do I have this kind of spare time to even think about him? He's nothing... nothing at all. Why do I have this kind of feeling??
Will I ever cross in his mind?? I never should have believe in miracles. This is tearing me apart.
Monday, 24 October 2011
Hate Myself...
I'm hating myself again. Why can't I just be strong enough? Why do I have to let emotion take over me? It's so much pain. I don't think I can take it anymore. I really miss him from day to day. But all I get are sadness, frustration, anger and disappointment. Who the hell he think he is? Messing with my life? I just want myself back. I don't want this feeling anymore. It really hurts.
The worst part is, he begins to ignore me. I hate being ignored. I hate being left out. Who am I to him? I really don't wanna think. I just hate all the guys in this world. I hate them!! I HATE MYSELF EVEN MORE!!
The worst part is, he begins to ignore me. I hate being ignored. I hate being left out. Who am I to him? I really don't wanna think. I just hate all the guys in this world. I hate them!! I HATE MYSELF EVEN MORE!!
Tuesday, 18 October 2011
My Letter To Him...
Actually the reason I write this letter is not trying to burden you
I just wanna write out all my feelings
What I have been feeling all these while
When you are around and when you are not around.
I just want you to know that I will support you no matter what happens
I know my love for you might bring you awkwardness
And I know, inside your heart might have someone else
But I just want you to know that you are not alone
You wont have to face your problem alone
I really don't know how this happen
How suddenly it was, to have feelings for you?
I never thought that you will return my feelings
But I would like you to know what I'm thinking all these while
Sometimes I might feel jealous because you hang out with her more than you hang out with me
I even cried so badly because of it
Stupidity? You might think of that too.
Is it wrong to have this kind of feeling?
I just want to give you the best, the best love in this world.
Never want you to be sad, never want you to suffer
I just want you to go after your happiness
Don't give up, cause I'm not giving you up either
I promise you to move on, with or without you
And I hope you promise me too, that you'll go after your happiness
I don't want you to regret in your life
Right now, I have no regret in life because I braced myself to write this out
To have the courage to tell you what my thoughts are
To feel blessed, by knowing you, being a part of my life
I'm not shy to say this out, "I LOVE YOU"
You mean so much more to me......
I just wanna write out all my feelings
What I have been feeling all these while
When you are around and when you are not around.
I just want you to know that I will support you no matter what happens
I know my love for you might bring you awkwardness
And I know, inside your heart might have someone else
But I just want you to know that you are not alone
You wont have to face your problem alone
I really don't know how this happen
How suddenly it was, to have feelings for you?
I never thought that you will return my feelings
But I would like you to know what I'm thinking all these while
Sometimes I might feel jealous because you hang out with her more than you hang out with me
I even cried so badly because of it
Stupidity? You might think of that too.
Is it wrong to have this kind of feeling?
I just want to give you the best, the best love in this world.
Never want you to be sad, never want you to suffer
I just want you to go after your happiness
Don't give up, cause I'm not giving you up either
I promise you to move on, with or without you
And I hope you promise me too, that you'll go after your happiness
I don't want you to regret in your life
Right now, I have no regret in life because I braced myself to write this out
To have the courage to tell you what my thoughts are
To feel blessed, by knowing you, being a part of my life
I'm not shy to say this out, "I LOVE YOU"
You mean so much more to me......
Saturday, 15 October 2011
Birthday...
Today is his birthday. He's back in Ipoh while I'm staying here, in KL. The weird part is I'm missing him but I'm not messaging him. What he has always been dreaming of? Having the person he like the most to celebrate with him. Sighs. Who am I?
May told me never to think how important I am to him. Never to ask this kind of questions. Cause it will only make you feel even worst. I'm not thinking anymore. Maybe this is why I don't cry anymore. What can I do? The greatest love is not owning, but letting go. I just want the best for him. I just want him to be happy.
Reeve is the best. He taught me a lot. About iphone and laptop. He purposely came over to Kelana Jaya on Thursday. Had so much fun hanging out with him. ^^ It's worth it skipping class for him.
May told me never to think how important I am to him. Never to ask this kind of questions. Cause it will only make you feel even worst. I'm not thinking anymore. Maybe this is why I don't cry anymore. What can I do? The greatest love is not owning, but letting go. I just want the best for him. I just want him to be happy.
Reeve is the best. He taught me a lot. About iphone and laptop. He purposely came over to Kelana Jaya on Thursday. Had so much fun hanging out with him. ^^ It's worth it skipping class for him.
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