After A Long Time...

I'm writing again. After such a long time. I don't really know myself lately. I'm like another person right now. My heart is breaking into thousand pieces and I don't really know what to do. 


     Yesterday was Valentine's Day. I went out dinner with TKM. He asked me and treat me for Hokkaido, japanese restaurant. Gosh. Am I giving him hope?? Sighs. Actually I just want JM to see it. To realize my existence. What have I done?? I've done so many things to tell him how I felt but he just chose to ignore. I even wrote a song for him. But he didn't even take the time to listen to it. Just gave me a stupid excuse, don't know how to appreciate. My heart died on that particular moment. I'm still giving myself excuses that he'll notice me someday. I'm just lying to myself. 


          Today, I got my result!! Happy and proud!! I can't believe it. I did well. It's beyond my expectation. I'm so excited and full of strength. Actually I wanted to cry cause of how he treated me but after I knew about my result, I just couldn't cry. What's the point of it?? Come on, who the hell he thinks he is?? My future is much more important than anything. Nothing can come in between. I just hope that I can complete my course fast and leave this place. Away from him, away from all the problems. Atleast this is something that is worth for. My hard work will be recognized. Him?? Something that can never be called mine. 


               I miss school. I miss my dear bro, N. He's always the best. He's really there when I needed him. Atleast he won't lie to me or hurt me. Atleast I'm somebody to him. Atleast he appreciate on what I do for him, which seldom happens. Gosh. I'm so bad to him. >"<

Stubborn??

Is it just my stubbornness? For not letting go?? It's so torturing. I just had my peacefulness for a week and yet everything comes back again. Damn it. I really thought of letting go. But whenever I see his name in my MSN, I just couldn't stop myself from messaging him. What's wrong with me? Can't I just have some peacefulness? It really hurt whenever he does that to me. Replied with just 1 word? Guess he's tired after the flight. I should be thinking like that. Am I lying to myself? Am I making up excuses for him? I just gotta say that I'm unimportant to him. 

 

     What I see from mum and dad really scares me. Kinda losing faith in love. I really don't wanna be in this game anymore. It's so insecure. Love can never be eternity. It's just a fake promise. My heart ache. It does. That's why I don't like to log into facebook. Because I know there will be a lot truth in it. Is it time to wake up now? Fairy tales, do they really exist? 

          I think I've made my decision. I'll just sneak back into the shadows. To where I belong. Cause I never fit in this world. I'm afraid of loneliness and yet, loneliness stays with me. Maybe I should just get used to it and be alone for the rest of my life. 

               Gil told me that she would be around for me. But I doubt that. Does she really care about what's happening around me? To me, she just care for herself. But that's a good thing too. Why do you care so much for the people around you? Yet, they are the ones that hurt you so much. I can never blame Gil, I just hate myself for being so weak. Guess it's time to stand strong. 

Happenings...

It has been some time, that I didn't really write. Sighs. Don't have the time I guess. Just came back from Taiwan, vacation. Happy!! Enjoying myself so much. Miss him so much during that time. 


     Really wanna meet him straight away when I reached Malaysia. And I did. Met up with him the second day that I reached. I told him that I really wanna meet him so badly. Missed him so much. He drove. First time, he's fetching me around in his car. Unforgettable. 


          Backed to school after that. Things happened again. WH... OMG... What's wrong with me and him? Told him that I'm back from Taiwan, and he asked me out for dinner. I can't believe I did something so unbelievable. What's really going on between the 2 of us? How can he do something like that? I was really shocked. Till now, those memories still fresh in my head. And I can't believe myself either. I responded to him?? What the hell am I thinking? I did enjoyed at that moment. That was my very first time, and I'm kinda addicted to it. I wanted to try again but I don't want my second time with him. It made me feel so bad. It's so wrong to do something like that, when he already has a gf. 


               Anyway, it had passed. Sunday... JM came out to meet up again. It was the band idol competition too. Introduced him to Kyee, Sue and John. They shocked him by the way. Watched "Breaking Dawn". I clutched his hand towards the end of the movie cause I was so cold. First time feeling cold by the way. He was so sweet. And I think I'm totally in love with him. After what had happen between me and WH, I just realized that JM means so much to me. He loved the little souvenir that I got for him. He was so happy, and when I see the smile on his face, my days just got so much better. How I wish that I have the courage to ask him to be mine... He really has been my strength that keeps me moving on. His support and his care. Now I just wish that all of this do not expired. 


Mum and dad had a huge fight. I can make it through cause of JM. He was there to listen and talk. Without him, I think I had broke down again. How can I imagine my days without him? It'll be a suicide. Hope mum and dad will get better soon. It's stupid to end such a long relationship. How old are they? It's not fun at all. 


     Assignments!! Kill me... Anyway, I'm dying anyhow. OMG... It's so difficult. Can I really handle it? My pieces and exams and assignments. Can I cope with it? Right now, I really wanna shout... TIME IS NOT ENOUGH!!! I need more time. Have I been wasting so much time? Sighs. >.< 

End of 14th November...

Sighs. Why do this kind of feelings hit me every few days? It really does not do me any good. I really miss him so badly. Friday we were still chatting, and after that, he started to change again. I don't know him. When he's with his friends, I'm nothing. However, I didn't force him. he doesn't wanna message, I won't message him. Maybe I really love him a lot. I just want him to be happy. Didn't message him the whole day on Sunday. But he messaged me in the night. I didn't know until Monday, in school. How can I ever tell him that I miss him so much?


     Friday: Greyson Chance's live performance in KL Live, Life Centre. First time ever to a live performance. That was cool. Went with Kyee and John. My second time with them. We were cool. Searching for roads. Ended up in Pavillion, watched "Immortal", it's a very nice movie. Love it!! Funny part was, Kyee screamed in the cinema!! I was laughing inside. And the movie reminded me of him. The name Theseuz. His game character's name. Why everything has to be related to him? We walked to KL Live. First time also, walking in the street of KL. Amazing!! GC was quite handsome. I'm so in love with blonde. >.<"


          Saturday: Went to Kyee's house to do assignment. But ended up played Facebook's tetris? @_@ He pissed me off. Really was mad at him. Didn't feel like talking to him also. But I chat a lot with WH. OMG!! He's cool too. XD


               Sunday: Yamaha drum camp 2011!! It really was an amazing experience. But it's so tiring. Went to school early. Helping out, was fun and crazy for the whole day. Knew a lot of cool drummers too. Messaged with WH and Reeve the whole day. Cause I don't feel like messaging him. What for message him when he doesn't feel like replying. It will just makes me hate myself even more. Ate dinner with WH, with Kyee too. Don't dare to go out with him alone. He was so nice to pick us up at Sunway. And I had a new nickname, "Polar Bear". Thanks to WH. Second time hanging out with WH. 

My Feelings...?

I was so excited yesterday. I got 2 tickets to go to Greyson Chance's live performance in KL Live, Life Centre. Amazing. I can't believe it. In my whole life, I never been to any live performance before, except ensembles. But this is so different. I can get to see a singer performing live. OMG!! I'm really excited about it.


     The first person I think o,f is him, when I got the tickets. I asked him and yet, he turned me down again. Sighs. I was really disappointed with it. The second time he turned me down. Excuse me? If a girl being turned down for the second time, they should totally give up on that guy. I didn't reply to his last SMS. After 2 hours, he SMS me again. Asking me not to be EMO, telling me that he really got something to do on that day and he is sorry about it. Actually it's nothing, I just don't feel like replying to him. That's all. And now, I'm starting to think again. Do I mean something to him?


          I tagged him videos of Greyson Chance. 1 of it with the title "Unfriend You". He commented on it : So we are not friends anymore?? Ok... Bye...


               It hurts when I saw that comment. My tears automatically flowed down the moment I saw it. I didn't even mean anything. I just thought of showing him who's Greyson. That's all. So, I messaged him saying that it hurts, and I didn't mean that. If he wants to do that, it's up to him. And I cried again. Obviously he did replied and I think that shocked him too. I didn't reply in Whatsapp. So he SMS me. Apologizing and explaining. Which basically after 2 or 3 SMS-es, I forgave him. Sighs. Love??


Does this mean something? Do I really have a place in his heart? I was actually kinda happy when he really did tried and gave effort in trying to calm me down and explain and apologize. Ok, this is not good. I'm not trying to pull myself out, instead I think I'm stepping into much more deeper. OMG!! @_@


     Today in vocal ensemble, CMM tried to humiliate me again. Sobs. But she's giving me a chance to sing solo in the ensemble. I can't believe it. It's a great opportunity. I don't think I wanna lose it. I'll hold on tight to this chance. Thank God!! And of course, our dear Ms Mee Mee. 

Bravery...

Finally I wrote it out. I wrote all my feelings in the notebook that I'm going to give him tomorrow. If he ever opens it, he will know about it. But if he doesn't, means its through. It's the end of it. I decided to let him know, means I'm ready to let go. Cause I know, I won't get any answer from him or he'll just turn me down. This is what I wrote:


     The reason I pen this down is because I couldn't find the words to tell you. Didn't mean to burden you at all. Now that I understand, when you told me that you heart ache when you saw her with another guy. The same feeling is flowing inside me now. Every time I see you with her, my heart ache. I don't know when I started to have this feeling. This is why I've been acting strange lately and this is something that I can't figure out. I know it's not right. It's so wrong to fall for you. I'm sorry! I know my life is boring because there is only music. I never hope that this love would be returned. I just wanna be honest with myself. And I trust you. Promise me, go after your happiness. Don't wait for it to come. You are not alone. Just remember, I will always support, care and be there for you. The poem "Passerby" that I wrote, actually reflecting me in your life. Thanks for allowing me to try to fit in. Hoping that you won't ignore and avoid me after reading this. You are a good friend and I'm beginning to rely on you. I'm sorry, to have feelings for you.


          Sighs...Maybe I really should move on and concentrate in my studies. My future is so important to me. A promise to myself, will never screw my future!! 


               By the way, today Gil told me about Summer again. I'm happy for her but still, I care so much on what he thinks about me. He said something that hurt me again. I'm not an idiot nor crazy. I'm just me. I don't know. The wall between me and Gil is getting thicker. I'm not sure its because of him or its because of me. Maybe I just couldn't fit in. 


Anyway, I'm happy to receive something from Gil and Xbaby. I love them so much. They light up my day. I will try my best to search for myself again. I will be happy!! 

What Am I Thinking??

Wasn't free to pen down lately. Kinda busy with assignment. And I really need some rest. What's wrong with me?? I thought I promised myself to let go and yet I'm still feeling so bad about it. I hate it every time I check my facebook. I really don't wanna look at it. But every time I flip through it, I definitely find something that will hurt me so bad. Damn it. What the hell is this?? Am I really in hell now?? 


     I get it why yesterday he didn't seem like replying me. Cause he was out with her again. Who the hell he think I am? A maid? A slave? Why every time has to be this way? Am I really nothing to anyone? Am I the tiniest character in a movie? A monster in a game? Was meant to be hurt or killed?? I am really pissed right now. I was praying for calmness, peacefulness and wisdom the other day in the temple. I got it for 2 days. But right now, here I go again. 


          I really wanna scream out loud. FUCK YOU!!! YOU ARE TORTURING ME!!! 


               Gil told me that he was lazy to reply because guys are like that. I took it. Didn't wanna blame him also. But what I saw today in facebook really kills me. Sighs. Why do I have this kind of spare time to even think about him? He's nothing... nothing at all. Why do I have this kind of feeling?? 


Will I ever cross in his mind?? I never should have believe in miracles. This is tearing me apart.