Being Strong??

He text me on Tuesday. Should I be happy?? At least I came across his mind? I really do miss him a lot. Can I say it out?? I got so much to tell him but will he care? My happenings, does it matter to him?? Is he afraid that one day I'll be missing from his life?? I don't know. I don't dare to find the answer. 

Actually there's something very silly that I want to share with him today. I didn't want to interrupt his work, so I told him chat tonight. But later in the night , something terrible happened. I broke down. My vocal recital's videos. I was so disappointed and angry. That idiot. He ruined everything. I really never encountered people this stupid before. Never admit his own mistake and yet he blamed on others? Just be an adult. Take up the responsibility. Admit it. And he thinks that it's funny to act this way? It's ridiculous. That recital was so important to me. It's my first and the last in Malaysia. At least for now. It meant so much to me. Something that I want my parents to be proud of. 

I messaged him and asked him to call me. He did. I was crying and he was rushing to an appointment. But he did called back after the appointment. Second time, having a long chat on the phone with him after what had happened previously. I really was so upset but in the same time, I felt being loved. Is it just me again? He said he has let go of his past, but he still mentioned about it. At least he dare to face it now rather than avoiding it. Every time he mentioned about her, my heart ached. Who am I? But I should be grateful, cause he's willing to listen to me when I needed someone. Though he is not the first to be there. Arthur and Jauhuei always have been the first. He used to be the first previously. I should be moving on... shouldn't trap myself in the memories. There's still one promise that he tried to keep. Updating me. He told me about his work.  

He said he is my best friend, but he will never do anything for me. Maybe because I'm just as equal as everyone else. Meanwhile, those that I just met for a month or few weeks, gave me farewell presents, said will come over to Ipoh to find me, accompany me to do what I want before I leave. He always asked me what I want him to do with me before I leave?? But when I said it out, there are always an excuse. I know work comes first. But I just want a day from him. Maybe I'm too selfish?? Greedy? Asking too much??  

I learned to use Skype. Jauhuei taught me. And he was the first to try skyping with me. How I wish in the screen was him. I miss his voice and face. I got to hear him on the phone. I really miss him a lot. How can I move on from him? I tried to be strong. I want to be strong. But I'm just a friend. Something that I can never change. 

I'm Back With Writing... ^^

Such a long time to pen down my emotions. Checked back my previous post. I can't believe it. It has always been the same problem. What is wrong with me? Am I really that weak? Why am I always fall for the same problem, same hole? I think I am cursed with the word "LOVE". Shouldn't have trusted anyone from the start besides my family. I am really being a jerk. A brainless one. 

          What's the point of all this?? Making me stronger? But I never seem to learn anything from the past. I kept on making the same mistake. Trusting people. Trusting guys! Falling in love. Every year one? Isn't it a bit too much?? I couldn't survive without a guy?? This is so unfair. How come guys got the priority of hurting girls? I just want someone that can understand me and love me. Finally I found him. He's like a family to me. Trusted him with my heart, until now. Still lying to myself that I have a chance. Thought that he'll realize my existence. But he made me promised that nothing affects our friendship.

I understand. I'm just a tool for him to get over his past?? I don't think so. He's not that kind of guy that I used to know. Maybe he changed? But I still believe in him. Have faith in him. This one whole year being with him really changed me a lot. From a 'super pampered, high maintenance, bad tempered princess' to a 'self conscious, humble and care for others' normal girl. A good thing?? A lot of my friends told me that he's not worth it. Out of 10, none of them support me in waiting for him. All of them said he doesn't deserve me. I shouldn't treat him so good. Made him special. But the fact is, he is special to me. 

          I'm flying off soon. To UK. He'll be in Malaysia. So, the test is on. This is the challenge. Should I hold onto all the memories or letting go? What kind of memories we had? Consider happy? Sad? In love? How is it like being in love? I don't know it anymore. I just wanna see him smile. Being himself, confident. I never regret in giving him everything. I gave and I take. I took with me, the precious moments, the lies he said, the unfulfilled promises he made. I just got a photo, the only one photo with him. Just us in it. That's enough for me to move on. I'm looking at it everyday, because I'm so afraid that his face will fade away from my memory. 

I fulfilled all my promises to him. Last year's birthday present, cards with my hand-written quotes. I chose all the scenery from London and Paris. I want him to remember where I am. Where he can find me if one day he realize my existence. And to remind him, another challenge that I wish he could succeed. Barcelona. I really hope that we can actually meet up there. I really will be there for him, if he choose to let me know. I did not text him anymore. He made me promised him to text too, but will he care if I text? The next is his upcoming birthday in year end. I know I can't be there for him anymore. I made him a birthday cake in advance. Did he taste it? Does it matter? My first time baking for someone. The someone that meant so much to me.  But does he appreciate?? I just want him to know that I'm willing to change and learn for him. Finally his upcoming birthday present. A white grand piano nano block. Made by myself also. Each block, my time and my patience. Remembering me by looking at the piano. White equals to pure. Piano equals to me. All my first times, is him. Remember me as the pure, innocent, naive, simple me. How I wish he could be the last as well. 

          I really miss him a lot. Day by day. Wanting to message him every single minute. Wishing to see him right in front of me. Hoping he would hug me again. One year, I can't say its very long but its definitely not a short period. 

Coward...casanova???

After a few days not chatting with him, finally I get some peace of mind. I didn't take my time to think about where he went or who he went out with. This feeling is great. Maybe I've found myself back. I'm glad. Thanks to him, to be so cruel to me. If not, I'll still be searching for a reason to forgive him. I really do love him, and I know the greatest love is to let go. If he's not mine, then he's not meant for me. I can't force him to stay by my side. And I realized one thing, he choose to avoid when there's a problem occurs. I'm not making things complicated, I just wanna make things right. I won't choose to avoid when there is a misunderstanding or anything. I think I begun to know what kind of person he is. A coward. That's my impression of him now. Sighs. I really did fall for him, and he's the one hurt me so bad, even to be compared with Mevin and Neo. Atleast both of them told me that we won't have a chance. Him?? He's just holding me, leaving me hanging by the threads. Atleast previously, Mevin and Neo cared on how I feel. Him?? Not even a single minute he'll think about me. About my feelings. It's time to pull everything back. Atleast it's never to late to find back my pride and dignity. What a world?? I've learned some lessons again. Straight, deep into my heart. Now I really see the face of a true casanova.

Smile

Crying is not the only solution,
Tears are not the right medicine,
Moving on to a new revolution,
Giving myself a whole new satisfaction.


               Life goes on,
               With or without you,
               It will only make me strong,
               Cause of tired waiting in the queue.


I will erase you from my mind,
Never allow myself to bind,
To the love that isn't mine,
And soon, it will all be fine.


               Thank you for reappearing in my life,
               Because of you, my days shined,
               However, time flies,
               Soon you will erase me from your mind.


Smile will always crave upon my face,
With all the blesses and grace,
Love is like a maze,
Something that I could not catch up with the pace. 



         

After A Long Time...

I'm writing again. After such a long time. I don't really know myself lately. I'm like another person right now. My heart is breaking into thousand pieces and I don't really know what to do. 


     Yesterday was Valentine's Day. I went out dinner with TKM. He asked me and treat me for Hokkaido, japanese restaurant. Gosh. Am I giving him hope?? Sighs. Actually I just want JM to see it. To realize my existence. What have I done?? I've done so many things to tell him how I felt but he just chose to ignore. I even wrote a song for him. But he didn't even take the time to listen to it. Just gave me a stupid excuse, don't know how to appreciate. My heart died on that particular moment. I'm still giving myself excuses that he'll notice me someday. I'm just lying to myself. 


          Today, I got my result!! Happy and proud!! I can't believe it. I did well. It's beyond my expectation. I'm so excited and full of strength. Actually I wanted to cry cause of how he treated me but after I knew about my result, I just couldn't cry. What's the point of it?? Come on, who the hell he thinks he is?? My future is much more important than anything. Nothing can come in between. I just hope that I can complete my course fast and leave this place. Away from him, away from all the problems. Atleast this is something that is worth for. My hard work will be recognized. Him?? Something that can never be called mine. 


               I miss school. I miss my dear bro, N. He's always the best. He's really there when I needed him. Atleast he won't lie to me or hurt me. Atleast I'm somebody to him. Atleast he appreciate on what I do for him, which seldom happens. Gosh. I'm so bad to him. >"<

Stubborn??

Is it just my stubbornness? For not letting go?? It's so torturing. I just had my peacefulness for a week and yet everything comes back again. Damn it. I really thought of letting go. But whenever I see his name in my MSN, I just couldn't stop myself from messaging him. What's wrong with me? Can't I just have some peacefulness? It really hurt whenever he does that to me. Replied with just 1 word? Guess he's tired after the flight. I should be thinking like that. Am I lying to myself? Am I making up excuses for him? I just gotta say that I'm unimportant to him. 

 

     What I see from mum and dad really scares me. Kinda losing faith in love. I really don't wanna be in this game anymore. It's so insecure. Love can never be eternity. It's just a fake promise. My heart ache. It does. That's why I don't like to log into facebook. Because I know there will be a lot truth in it. Is it time to wake up now? Fairy tales, do they really exist? 

          I think I've made my decision. I'll just sneak back into the shadows. To where I belong. Cause I never fit in this world. I'm afraid of loneliness and yet, loneliness stays with me. Maybe I should just get used to it and be alone for the rest of my life. 

               Gil told me that she would be around for me. But I doubt that. Does she really care about what's happening around me? To me, she just care for herself. But that's a good thing too. Why do you care so much for the people around you? Yet, they are the ones that hurt you so much. I can never blame Gil, I just hate myself for being so weak. Guess it's time to stand strong. 

Happenings...

It has been some time, that I didn't really write. Sighs. Don't have the time I guess. Just came back from Taiwan, vacation. Happy!! Enjoying myself so much. Miss him so much during that time. 


     Really wanna meet him straight away when I reached Malaysia. And I did. Met up with him the second day that I reached. I told him that I really wanna meet him so badly. Missed him so much. He drove. First time, he's fetching me around in his car. Unforgettable. 


          Backed to school after that. Things happened again. WH... OMG... What's wrong with me and him? Told him that I'm back from Taiwan, and he asked me out for dinner. I can't believe I did something so unbelievable. What's really going on between the 2 of us? How can he do something like that? I was really shocked. Till now, those memories still fresh in my head. And I can't believe myself either. I responded to him?? What the hell am I thinking? I did enjoyed at that moment. That was my very first time, and I'm kinda addicted to it. I wanted to try again but I don't want my second time with him. It made me feel so bad. It's so wrong to do something like that, when he already has a gf. 


               Anyway, it had passed. Sunday... JM came out to meet up again. It was the band idol competition too. Introduced him to Kyee, Sue and John. They shocked him by the way. Watched "Breaking Dawn". I clutched his hand towards the end of the movie cause I was so cold. First time feeling cold by the way. He was so sweet. And I think I'm totally in love with him. After what had happen between me and WH, I just realized that JM means so much to me. He loved the little souvenir that I got for him. He was so happy, and when I see the smile on his face, my days just got so much better. How I wish that I have the courage to ask him to be mine... He really has been my strength that keeps me moving on. His support and his care. Now I just wish that all of this do not expired. 


Mum and dad had a huge fight. I can make it through cause of JM. He was there to listen and talk. Without him, I think I had broke down again. How can I imagine my days without him? It'll be a suicide. Hope mum and dad will get better soon. It's stupid to end such a long relationship. How old are they? It's not fun at all. 


     Assignments!! Kill me... Anyway, I'm dying anyhow. OMG... It's so difficult. Can I really handle it? My pieces and exams and assignments. Can I cope with it? Right now, I really wanna shout... TIME IS NOT ENOUGH!!! I need more time. Have I been wasting so much time? Sighs. >.<