Yesterday & Today

Can't believe it, I'm in the plane for more than 4 hours now. Watched 'Step Up'. Cried for 3 times. Looked at our photos for like few times. He let me take photos with him and keep it in my phones. I really can't imagine what is it like being away from him for such a long period. I miss my mum and him so much now. I never thought that it will really happen. He said he'll be the last to meet and send me off.  He made it this time. Though I can't post our photos out but I'm already satisfy. He came for me. It's more than enough. I didn't cry in front of them. Proud!! But I'm crying again in the plane. How come I can't sleep this time?? Excited?? Scared?? What will it be when I'm there in London?? I believe him. He didn't disappoint me this time. I wanna tell him so bad that I love him so much. 

Finally, the word that I long to hear from him, "gonna miss you", came out from him. I really step onto the plane. I know this is what he wanted too. Chase our dream. Music. I won't disappoint my parents and him. I will work hard for this. I will prove to them I'm worth being here in London. Make them proud just like when I'm in Yamaha's convocation. He wrote in my biodata book. At least I get to let him write in. Something that's solid to remind me of him. His words, I hope that all of it comes from his heart. "I found you finally, appearing in my life', I wish to tell him this. 

~~~~~

Today is the first day I toured around my new university. It's really exciting. It's tiring too... Really walked a lot today. I'm super exhausted now but I wanna write in. I made it to London!! ^^ 

I received a lot of messages from him today. I was shocked and happy too. He finally tells me what's in his heart. He said he started to miss me already. Images of me leaving, turning to walk to the airplane, kept appearing in his mind. Though he said he miss me as a friend, but I'm already very happy. Cause finally I know that I'll for once, appear in his mind. I dare to ask a lot, say a lot. And I finally got an answer. I'm actually something to him. He told me that we are definitely more than friends. But he's still wounded. So do I. 

I'm so faraway from him now. I never miss a chance to tell him how much I miss him. He said once, and I said twice to him today. He read all the letters I gave him. Why does he has to wait till I'm so far away from him to tell me all this?? I told him everything. I told him I cried a lot before I fly. Because of him. It's been so long since I had this private chat with him. I really love it and miss it.

Still as usual. Him, never miss a chance to piss me off too. ><  

Finally~~~

          I can't believe this is the second last day I'm in Malaysia. Yesterday I had a great time. Photo shoot in Cameron. The place that I wanted to go so much with him. Finally I get to go, but the person with me wasn't him. It's heart breaking. Instead of him, someone that I only met for once, chat with him in Whatsapp, fulfill my dream, my desire , my wish of going there. So, all the promises doesn't matter anymore. 

          I really wanna thank this new friend, Ziv and my cousin for making this dream come true. Lavender garden. My favorite place. I can't wait till I really go to France and get to see the real lavender. How I wish it was him beside me, being with me in the photo shoot. Ended up it was another person that giving me this memory. What's the point of asking and promising me in the first place?? 

  

          There is no reason for missing someone. He knows that he is special to me and yet he wanna avoid it. Keeping me as a back up plan?? So, I'm a consolation prize to him?? After we had this stupid argument, after he had said all those things that broke my heart into thousand pieces, after he hurt me like I'm a nobody, and he acted like nothing happen?? Am I really that worthless to him?? Messaged me the next day asking what's my weekend's plan?? He knows better what I want. How many times does he want me to ask?? Beg him like I'm a beggar out on the street. 
           
          Ziv and Angie stopped me from replying him. It hurts though. All the emotions was captured in the photos. My misery. I missed him so much. Forcing myself to smile because I wanna move on. Am I being too forceful?? I knew him too well, but I only see the past, how good he treated me previously, and not seeing the present, how cruel he is to me now. "Am I not being supportive enough to you??", he asked me. Supportive?? I just want memories... But now I have to force all the memories out, delete everything I had with him. Sad case is, he never even bother to give me something to remember him. Because he knew me well. I will never forget him. How special he is to me. 

          I don't dare to think. Will he be there on Tuesday?? Will he send me off?? Will he surprise me?? Ziv told me, I shouldn't be messaging him anymore if I want to start a new life. Reply only when I think I'm completely ready to move on and take him only as friend. If I really wanna message him, I only can do it on the night before I take off, which is tomorrow. No matter how much I miss him, and let him know, he'll just read through it as if it's nothing. Maybe he'll say again, "Why miss me?? Unfair to your other friends". It's just ridiculous. All my friends send me their regards, spend time with me, love me and give me their blessings, presents and most of all, memories. 

Being Strong??

He text me on Tuesday. Should I be happy?? At least I came across his mind? I really do miss him a lot. Can I say it out?? I got so much to tell him but will he care? My happenings, does it matter to him?? Is he afraid that one day I'll be missing from his life?? I don't know. I don't dare to find the answer. 

Actually there's something very silly that I want to share with him today. I didn't want to interrupt his work, so I told him chat tonight. But later in the night , something terrible happened. I broke down. My vocal recital's videos. I was so disappointed and angry. That idiot. He ruined everything. I really never encountered people this stupid before. Never admit his own mistake and yet he blamed on others? Just be an adult. Take up the responsibility. Admit it. And he thinks that it's funny to act this way? It's ridiculous. That recital was so important to me. It's my first and the last in Malaysia. At least for now. It meant so much to me. Something that I want my parents to be proud of. 

I messaged him and asked him to call me. He did. I was crying and he was rushing to an appointment. But he did called back after the appointment. Second time, having a long chat on the phone with him after what had happened previously. I really was so upset but in the same time, I felt being loved. Is it just me again? He said he has let go of his past, but he still mentioned about it. At least he dare to face it now rather than avoiding it. Every time he mentioned about her, my heart ached. Who am I? But I should be grateful, cause he's willing to listen to me when I needed someone. Though he is not the first to be there. Arthur and Jauhuei always have been the first. He used to be the first previously. I should be moving on... shouldn't trap myself in the memories. There's still one promise that he tried to keep. Updating me. He told me about his work.  

He said he is my best friend, but he will never do anything for me. Maybe because I'm just as equal as everyone else. Meanwhile, those that I just met for a month or few weeks, gave me farewell presents, said will come over to Ipoh to find me, accompany me to do what I want before I leave. He always asked me what I want him to do with me before I leave?? But when I said it out, there are always an excuse. I know work comes first. But I just want a day from him. Maybe I'm too selfish?? Greedy? Asking too much??  

I learned to use Skype. Jauhuei taught me. And he was the first to try skyping with me. How I wish in the screen was him. I miss his voice and face. I got to hear him on the phone. I really miss him a lot. How can I move on from him? I tried to be strong. I want to be strong. But I'm just a friend. Something that I can never change. 

I'm Back With Writing... ^^

Such a long time to pen down my emotions. Checked back my previous post. I can't believe it. It has always been the same problem. What is wrong with me? Am I really that weak? Why am I always fall for the same problem, same hole? I think I am cursed with the word "LOVE". Shouldn't have trusted anyone from the start besides my family. I am really being a jerk. A brainless one. 

          What's the point of all this?? Making me stronger? But I never seem to learn anything from the past. I kept on making the same mistake. Trusting people. Trusting guys! Falling in love. Every year one? Isn't it a bit too much?? I couldn't survive without a guy?? This is so unfair. How come guys got the priority of hurting girls? I just want someone that can understand me and love me. Finally I found him. He's like a family to me. Trusted him with my heart, until now. Still lying to myself that I have a chance. Thought that he'll realize my existence. But he made me promised that nothing affects our friendship.

I understand. I'm just a tool for him to get over his past?? I don't think so. He's not that kind of guy that I used to know. Maybe he changed? But I still believe in him. Have faith in him. This one whole year being with him really changed me a lot. From a 'super pampered, high maintenance, bad tempered princess' to a 'self conscious, humble and care for others' normal girl. A good thing?? A lot of my friends told me that he's not worth it. Out of 10, none of them support me in waiting for him. All of them said he doesn't deserve me. I shouldn't treat him so good. Made him special. But the fact is, he is special to me. 

          I'm flying off soon. To UK. He'll be in Malaysia. So, the test is on. This is the challenge. Should I hold onto all the memories or letting go? What kind of memories we had? Consider happy? Sad? In love? How is it like being in love? I don't know it anymore. I just wanna see him smile. Being himself, confident. I never regret in giving him everything. I gave and I take. I took with me, the precious moments, the lies he said, the unfulfilled promises he made. I just got a photo, the only one photo with him. Just us in it. That's enough for me to move on. I'm looking at it everyday, because I'm so afraid that his face will fade away from my memory. 

I fulfilled all my promises to him. Last year's birthday present, cards with my hand-written quotes. I chose all the scenery from London and Paris. I want him to remember where I am. Where he can find me if one day he realize my existence. And to remind him, another challenge that I wish he could succeed. Barcelona. I really hope that we can actually meet up there. I really will be there for him, if he choose to let me know. I did not text him anymore. He made me promised him to text too, but will he care if I text? The next is his upcoming birthday in year end. I know I can't be there for him anymore. I made him a birthday cake in advance. Did he taste it? Does it matter? My first time baking for someone. The someone that meant so much to me.  But does he appreciate?? I just want him to know that I'm willing to change and learn for him. Finally his upcoming birthday present. A white grand piano nano block. Made by myself also. Each block, my time and my patience. Remembering me by looking at the piano. White equals to pure. Piano equals to me. All my first times, is him. Remember me as the pure, innocent, naive, simple me. How I wish he could be the last as well. 

          I really miss him a lot. Day by day. Wanting to message him every single minute. Wishing to see him right in front of me. Hoping he would hug me again. One year, I can't say its very long but its definitely not a short period. 

Coward...casanova???

After a few days not chatting with him, finally I get some peace of mind. I didn't take my time to think about where he went or who he went out with. This feeling is great. Maybe I've found myself back. I'm glad. Thanks to him, to be so cruel to me. If not, I'll still be searching for a reason to forgive him. I really do love him, and I know the greatest love is to let go. If he's not mine, then he's not meant for me. I can't force him to stay by my side. And I realized one thing, he choose to avoid when there's a problem occurs. I'm not making things complicated, I just wanna make things right. I won't choose to avoid when there is a misunderstanding or anything. I think I begun to know what kind of person he is. A coward. That's my impression of him now. Sighs. I really did fall for him, and he's the one hurt me so bad, even to be compared with Mevin and Neo. Atleast both of them told me that we won't have a chance. Him?? He's just holding me, leaving me hanging by the threads. Atleast previously, Mevin and Neo cared on how I feel. Him?? Not even a single minute he'll think about me. About my feelings. It's time to pull everything back. Atleast it's never to late to find back my pride and dignity. What a world?? I've learned some lessons again. Straight, deep into my heart. Now I really see the face of a true casanova.

Smile

Crying is not the only solution,
Tears are not the right medicine,
Moving on to a new revolution,
Giving myself a whole new satisfaction.


               Life goes on,
               With or without you,
               It will only make me strong,
               Cause of tired waiting in the queue.


I will erase you from my mind,
Never allow myself to bind,
To the love that isn't mine,
And soon, it will all be fine.


               Thank you for reappearing in my life,
               Because of you, my days shined,
               However, time flies,
               Soon you will erase me from your mind.


Smile will always crave upon my face,
With all the blesses and grace,
Love is like a maze,
Something that I could not catch up with the pace. 



         

After A Long Time...

I'm writing again. After such a long time. I don't really know myself lately. I'm like another person right now. My heart is breaking into thousand pieces and I don't really know what to do. 


     Yesterday was Valentine's Day. I went out dinner with TKM. He asked me and treat me for Hokkaido, japanese restaurant. Gosh. Am I giving him hope?? Sighs. Actually I just want JM to see it. To realize my existence. What have I done?? I've done so many things to tell him how I felt but he just chose to ignore. I even wrote a song for him. But he didn't even take the time to listen to it. Just gave me a stupid excuse, don't know how to appreciate. My heart died on that particular moment. I'm still giving myself excuses that he'll notice me someday. I'm just lying to myself. 


          Today, I got my result!! Happy and proud!! I can't believe it. I did well. It's beyond my expectation. I'm so excited and full of strength. Actually I wanted to cry cause of how he treated me but after I knew about my result, I just couldn't cry. What's the point of it?? Come on, who the hell he thinks he is?? My future is much more important than anything. Nothing can come in between. I just hope that I can complete my course fast and leave this place. Away from him, away from all the problems. Atleast this is something that is worth for. My hard work will be recognized. Him?? Something that can never be called mine. 


               I miss school. I miss my dear bro, N. He's always the best. He's really there when I needed him. Atleast he won't lie to me or hurt me. Atleast I'm somebody to him. Atleast he appreciate on what I do for him, which seldom happens. Gosh. I'm so bad to him. >"<