Asda & Chinatown

Wow!! A busy day, it is for yesterday. Amazing. Grocery in the morning, lunch mania and shopping spree in the evening. XD It's so enjoyable. First time ever in London, felt that I'm in a group of friends. It is really crazy for everyone. 

Asda shopping for grocery has always been the best. I got the whole supply for the whole week again. Ain't that nice?? I got some scones too. Just out of sudden, felt like eating them, and in the night, I made my specialty scones to KokHoong and Andy. ^^ They appreciated it. Hopefully they are. I just love to see the smile from my friends once I made something or bake something for them. It's indescribable. Just like how I made all the desserts for him. 

Such a busy day after that. Went to Chinatown in Central London for the buffet. Halal buffet!!! Aiman is the man~~~ I had the most fun yesterday, no worries, got tease, being myself. The buffet is not bad, but too little food. Young Cheng is the name of the shop. It's opened by Malaysian. Not bad. However, the "siu mai" there really cannot. ><" I miss dimsum in Malaysia. especially Ipoh!!!

This is the crazy group that lights up my days

After our lunch buffet, Primark!!! Our next stop. ^^ Shopping is always the best thing to do. We were rushing though cause they were closing soon. I got myself some sweaters that I like a lot. 

At the end of the day, I suffer. Breathing difficulty. OMG~~~ It strikes me now?? Not in winter?? The temperature is crazy... I'm so weak. Hurt my leg, then can't breathe?? 

Every time I'm sick, I tend to miss my mum and him a lot. Until now, he doesn't message, doesn't reply.Why?? Cried again, like a baby. But I've made my priority. Piano always comes first. Attended my class again. Loving it by each week. Really can't waste time. Play hard, work smart and stay cheerful ~~~ <3     

My Fine Saturday~~~

         

         It's so peaceful being here alone with the piano. Piano always calms me down. It's a Saturday and I'm alone in MDX. I love being here. It's so quiet in the weekends. Guess it's my territory. ^^ had some slow practice and I did concentrate hard. =) playing songs that's wonderfully beautiful. Thinking bout my mum and him most of the time. Getting use to it already?? Saw some of his updates. Happy and excited for him. How I wish I could be back there with him. In the same time, I wish he is here with me now in London.


          First ever in my record~~~ ><" I'm wearing coat while practicing?? It's so cold here in the concert room. It's freezing. They on the air conditioner instead of heater?? Anyway, it's just amazing being here. Set my priority. Aim for my goal. Chase my dream. Music~~~

          I had a very supportive teacher. Thank you Ms Karen. Your advise is always not enough. Thank you for reminding me, my purpose here.

          I met with my piano teacher in MDX too. Yesterday. I can say I love her a lot. She's a concert pianist and she's so lovely. I really gotta brush up my repertoire. Can't disappoint myself. I live for myself. =)

The road that I've taken~~

          



Stay strong~~~ reminding myself all the time...







          I've hurt my left foot as well. ><" now it hurts when I walk~~~ Sighs. What should I do?? Should I follow them out later?? How bout tomorrow?? Should I just stay and rest... Alone again. I'll get use to it... very soon. 

It's Just So Wrong...

I can't fulfilled the promise that I promised him. I promised I'll enjoy every single second here but I can't. I'm back on my own again. It's just too much drama. I can't take it. I can't bare with it. In front of you said everything have to say out. Don't keep it inside. But actually she's the one hiding all. She's the two face here. What's her problem?? Just that one sentence that I said on our first week here and she hated me until now, until she does so much to isolate me?? Who's the fake one?? I can't say it out. Andy said he's frustrated. I got tired too. 

I wanted to tell him. Another promise I couldn't keep. Happy or sad, gotta tell him. I'm started to scare now. Will he go through with me?? He'll be so busy for this few days. Stef's wedding. I don't wanna burden him, as usual. So I keep it to myself. Do well my part?? How?? Avoiding everyone?? Wherever I go, I hear things. Bout this bout that. It's never ending. Anxiety again?? Gotta prepare for performance?? Who can I talk too?? He said I gotta get use to his none reply attitude. If not, I'll suffer. But I am already near to suffer. Am I losing him already?? Am I being lonely?? What is lonely?? I am alone all these times. 

It's all so wrong. Is it wrong being here?? Is it wrong being alone?? Why everyone needs to wear masks to face their everyday?? I am wearing mask right now too. I miss the cheerful, happy, blurred, simple-minded me. I want all these tears to stop.  

Meeting Up With My Dearie From Yamaha

What a happy day for me today ~~~ Met up with my dearie from yamaha. Caryn dear.... I'm so happy to see her. Made me felt like I'm back in my home country. Really can't believe it. It's worth it to take some of my time purposely go down to Central London to meet her. We had such a long chat. Both of us really had a lot of happenings going on. Exchanging experiences. >.<

I think we really did changed a lot. We learned to appreciate and love each other more. At least, someone that has known me for quite some time. Back in yamaha, we had so many dramas. Unbelievable is that now we respect each other and love each other. The dramas can never be enough. It's even worst here. 

We went to Covent Garden. ^^ I'm so stupid. I really can't read maps. Oh my god. It took me almost an hour to find where's Covent Garden. It's actually so near and I was rounding the same area for quite a lot of times. 

Had a lovely day. But there is always that bothers me. I really can't mix along. It's just so weird. Even with Andy. Why is it always me, the one that can't see the light?? Like as if, if you treat me good in front of your friends, it's wrong. I had always been this blur. This is me. I am slow. Cause sometimes I really didn't pay attention to what you all are saying. I am always in my own world. When there's only the two of us, he treats me differently. Sighs. What is all this?? 

Anyway, I can't be bothered by all this. Inside my heart, he already occupied all of it. The special one. I miss him so much. Okay, now I really miss him nagging, making fun of me or complaining about me. I miss hugging him too.

5 October ~~~

         


          I am still surviving in London. It is a huge city. I really can't believe that I came here all the way by myself. I miss a lot of things back there. Missed my family and him.

       



          Middlesex is cool. It is so different back in Malaysia. The people. The environment. The subjects/courses. I got freaked out at first. But I told myself, I am here already. What can I do?? I can't be giving all this up?? Is it worth it?? I can't believe that there is so many dramas here. I thought I left it behind. It is even worst here. So, this is the real society. Who can I trust?? Why can't they treat everyone equally with their heart?? Aren't we the same??

          Anyway, I really love school. Can't wait for it to start. Pressure. Stress. Coming to me now but that is what's all this are about. Back to my own world. Found a place that I can call life. Music!! I get to see all this with my own eyes. Theater. Countryside. Every streets in London. A lot of happenings in Middlesex too. So many events. Everyday is a fun day.

         

          I am still a kid back there and here. Wishing mum and him can be here. On my way to Cambridge now. Just realized how lucky I am to be here. Promised myself to make it through. Not looking back. I gotta make everyone proud, especially myself. Never leave home before. Not a single time. One whole year here, I know will be a torture. Still crying every night.

 

Yesterday & Today

Can't believe it, I'm in the plane for more than 4 hours now. Watched 'Step Up'. Cried for 3 times. Looked at our photos for like few times. He let me take photos with him and keep it in my phones. I really can't imagine what is it like being away from him for such a long period. I miss my mum and him so much now. I never thought that it will really happen. He said he'll be the last to meet and send me off.  He made it this time. Though I can't post our photos out but I'm already satisfy. He came for me. It's more than enough. I didn't cry in front of them. Proud!! But I'm crying again in the plane. How come I can't sleep this time?? Excited?? Scared?? What will it be when I'm there in London?? I believe him. He didn't disappoint me this time. I wanna tell him so bad that I love him so much. 

Finally, the word that I long to hear from him, "gonna miss you", came out from him. I really step onto the plane. I know this is what he wanted too. Chase our dream. Music. I won't disappoint my parents and him. I will work hard for this. I will prove to them I'm worth being here in London. Make them proud just like when I'm in Yamaha's convocation. He wrote in my biodata book. At least I get to let him write in. Something that's solid to remind me of him. His words, I hope that all of it comes from his heart. "I found you finally, appearing in my life', I wish to tell him this. 

~~~~~

Today is the first day I toured around my new university. It's really exciting. It's tiring too... Really walked a lot today. I'm super exhausted now but I wanna write in. I made it to London!! ^^ 

I received a lot of messages from him today. I was shocked and happy too. He finally tells me what's in his heart. He said he started to miss me already. Images of me leaving, turning to walk to the airplane, kept appearing in his mind. Though he said he miss me as a friend, but I'm already very happy. Cause finally I know that I'll for once, appear in his mind. I dare to ask a lot, say a lot. And I finally got an answer. I'm actually something to him. He told me that we are definitely more than friends. But he's still wounded. So do I. 

I'm so faraway from him now. I never miss a chance to tell him how much I miss him. He said once, and I said twice to him today. He read all the letters I gave him. Why does he has to wait till I'm so far away from him to tell me all this?? I told him everything. I told him I cried a lot before I fly. Because of him. It's been so long since I had this private chat with him. I really love it and miss it.

Still as usual. Him, never miss a chance to piss me off too. ><  

Finally~~~

          I can't believe this is the second last day I'm in Malaysia. Yesterday I had a great time. Photo shoot in Cameron. The place that I wanted to go so much with him. Finally I get to go, but the person with me wasn't him. It's heart breaking. Instead of him, someone that I only met for once, chat with him in Whatsapp, fulfill my dream, my desire , my wish of going there. So, all the promises doesn't matter anymore. 

          I really wanna thank this new friend, Ziv and my cousin for making this dream come true. Lavender garden. My favorite place. I can't wait till I really go to France and get to see the real lavender. How I wish it was him beside me, being with me in the photo shoot. Ended up it was another person that giving me this memory. What's the point of asking and promising me in the first place?? 

  

          There is no reason for missing someone. He knows that he is special to me and yet he wanna avoid it. Keeping me as a back up plan?? So, I'm a consolation prize to him?? After we had this stupid argument, after he had said all those things that broke my heart into thousand pieces, after he hurt me like I'm a nobody, and he acted like nothing happen?? Am I really that worthless to him?? Messaged me the next day asking what's my weekend's plan?? He knows better what I want. How many times does he want me to ask?? Beg him like I'm a beggar out on the street. 
           
          Ziv and Angie stopped me from replying him. It hurts though. All the emotions was captured in the photos. My misery. I missed him so much. Forcing myself to smile because I wanna move on. Am I being too forceful?? I knew him too well, but I only see the past, how good he treated me previously, and not seeing the present, how cruel he is to me now. "Am I not being supportive enough to you??", he asked me. Supportive?? I just want memories... But now I have to force all the memories out, delete everything I had with him. Sad case is, he never even bother to give me something to remember him. Because he knew me well. I will never forget him. How special he is to me. 

          I don't dare to think. Will he be there on Tuesday?? Will he send me off?? Will he surprise me?? Ziv told me, I shouldn't be messaging him anymore if I want to start a new life. Reply only when I think I'm completely ready to move on and take him only as friend. If I really wanna message him, I only can do it on the night before I take off, which is tomorrow. No matter how much I miss him, and let him know, he'll just read through it as if it's nothing. Maybe he'll say again, "Why miss me?? Unfair to your other friends". It's just ridiculous. All my friends send me their regards, spend time with me, love me and give me their blessings, presents and most of all, memories.