End of 25th Sept...

I went out with him for almost the whole day. I was happy at first and excited. However, my mood started to change after the movie. 


     The movie was about viruses. People are so fragile. Out of sudden, they just leave this world. Without a word or saying goodbye. I was blessed because I'm still breathing. 


          After the movie, I did something very stupid. I clutched his arm. He backed away obviously. That hurts. I know it's a normal reaction. I know it's my mistake. I didn't mean to. After today, maybe I am a really good friend to him. I think I can never replace that girl's place. In his eyes, I'm just a good friend. 


               How can I ever say out those words? I really think I should back away from him already. 


Met Neven, my dear brother. I can't believe it. I miss him so much. But we can't chat much. 


     P/S : Will I ever get the chance to go out with him again?? 

End of 22nd Sept...

Ok. Since that one day I didn't message him, I'm back into the hole again. I've been messaging him for two days non-stop. Is it a good thing? I guess so. I don't know. The way we chat, it's more than what normal friends usually chat. I really really miss him. He asked me out yesterday. I was hyper the whole day. Gone crazy with Gil and May. 


     The only thing I don't like about yesterday is CMM. She picked on me. OMG!! Hate it. Everything I do, she'll point it out. Mentioned my name so many times. =.="


          I had the weirdest dream ever in my life. I dreamed of Bronson and Reeve?? Guessed I really miss them so much. They are fun. KARAOKE!! ^^


          Richard was kinda fierce today. My hands were shaking when I'm in improvisation class. But luckily and fortunately I passed it without being scolded. Happy!! And he said good after I've played my part. 


Went for YYO, first time in an orchestra. It's a lot of fun. I'm so lost in it. Dr Choong said the bar numbers, and by the time I found it, they went all the way ahead. And I'm lost again. Hehe. During YYO, I know that May wasn't herself anymore. Seeing the person that she likes, sitting with another girl. Talked and laughed like long lost friends. I really can't imagine it. If I'm in that situation, I don't think I can hold myself any longer. Tears will be streaming down. I don't know what to do about it. 


     It seems that I'm the only one among them to be the happiest. May was EMO. Gil is the same too. Cause she couldn't get an answer from H. Sometimes I just feel bad. But I really have to say that I'm totally "IN LOVE". Every time I get his messages, I'll go hyper around and everything in my life seem complete. 


          How I wish that all of this will last. ~~~

End of 20th Sept...

I didn't message him for the whole day. Is it the right thing? I kept myself busy. Practised my piano, cleaned my room, do the dishes, laundry. I even watched TV. Something that I haven't been doing for so long. I did control myself. 
  
     Still not messaging him in the night. I on my laptop. Signed in my MSN. Saw his name, but I'm controlling. But he messaged me. Asking questions that are very concerning. I really should stop myself from falling into the hole. He made me miss him again. 


          My dear sis, Gil. I can't believe what she told me. OMG!! She's in love?? And the same guy i fell for before. What a joke? And it's not even a joke. Gil likes H. But I think the both of them really matches each other. Anyway, I'm ok right now. H is my bro. Gil is my sis. I'll support the both of them. Actually I really hope that Gil will tell me that she fall for Summer. Even though I hate Summer very much but I know Summer will treat Gil very good. Anyway, it's her choice. 


               May!! My second dear sis. Hahax. I just love chatting with her. She's amazing. And I just don't know what to do to make her feel happy again. All I can do is just crap around. ^^ She even create a new family for us. VANITY!! I love it. Hahax. We should actually dress ourselves up and take a picture of us. Make it the front page of our new chapter of life. I should suggest it out. Proud!! 

End of 19th Sept...

Second week of school. I really miss him a lot. I'm sick. Fever yesterday. He didn't replied my messages for 2 days. I was kinda sad. He replied on Sunday. But we didn't chat much. Wasn't in the mood. 


     I couldn't keep myself from messaging him. And why is that? Why can't I just control myself? I'm such an idiot. Sighs. I let him know that I miss him. Is it a good thing? But he doesn't show any reaction. I'm not sure. I can't really hear properly in the phone. How I wish he knows how I feel? 


          Gil and May. My 2 darlings. My dearest sis!! Both of them supported me to tell him how I feel. Both of them are giving my the courage to do so. And I appreciate it. I love them so much. So I might consider of telling him how I feel. And I know it'll be a rejection. Atleast I'm true to myself and him. I should be fair. 


               Had my dinner at wings cafe with Rose. Had a great time too. That's when I called him and let him know I miss him. Ok, now Rose also knew what's going on with me. Sighs. There's a cute guy working there at wings cafe. He gave me a compliment on my dressing. Cute!! I even saw Kyee n dad dating there. Hahax. 


But I don't dare to hope much. I'm not as pretty as Taylor Swift. Nor I'm as thin as her. I'm ugly, fat, stupid and irritating. I'm so hopeless!!

End of 15th Sept...

I was kinda happy the whole day. I mean the first half of the day?? Why??


     Yesterday he did something that made me very happy and kinda surprise. He was worried about me. Is it a good thing?? He called when he didn't receive my message. Cause I told him that I'll message him once I reach home. But I was stuck in the jam for like one and a half hour. So he called to know where am I. I feel blessed at that moment. Someone care for me. Am I dreaming?? 


          But the second half of the day wasn't that good. I got a 'saman'. Hate it. Sobs. Rm30. Gone. ~~~ 


               Almost had an accident. Because I didn't really pay attention on the road. I was worrying about the 'saman'. OK. He nagged at me after I told him about it. He was complaining because I didn't drive carefully. Feel blessed again. 


Had a great chat with CC today. ^^ Went out 'yum cha' with her. OMG. Seldom!! It was so nice and fun chatting with her. She was telling me about her problems and I'm telling mine. She said she hate art management. And she kept on asking why I didn't go for it. Hahax. It's a good decision on taking up performance as major. I'm happy. 

End of 12th Sept...

Today was the first day of the first semester. Happy!! Went to school early today. 9am. Practise and practise. Piano lesson is going to be on monday. Changed lecturer. Changed to Hui Chi. I think I've made the right decision. Changing to Hui Chi. I learned a lot today. I was happy with the result of it. I understand what HC is trying to teach me. She's a nice teacher to me. 


     Workshop!! OMG!! First day, Ms W already gave us the assignment questions. Gosh. Kinda headache. Some more we have to use computer. I'm so classical. I don't even understand a single word she said about computer. >.<


          By the way, I am still chatting with him. Oh shit. I just can't control it. Whenever I saw the wifi connection is on, I'll message him. What's wrong with me? Lack of self control? But he's been very supportive. For the whole day. Encouraging me. It gave me confidence. 


               Jam!! I was stucked in the jam for an hour today. =.=" 


Neo isn't showing up. He doesn't even pick up my calls. I think he really dropping out this semester. How can he do that? He's giving up his future. What can he do? He's such useless to me actually. And he still owe me RM50. He said he's gonna return it to me this semester. How dare him? I can't believe it. Such a jerk. Ok. I should blame myself too. I'm stupid enough to believe him. Since he's giving up himself, I think I should give up on him too. 


     I got the letter for majoring in performance. I was so happy about it. I really can do it for performance. It was such a huge achievement to me. But in the same time, I feel pressure. Anyway, I'm going to do my very best. I'll enjoy every single moment shining up there. I know I can do it. 


          P/S : I hope I can always have his support too. ^^

Once Again...

Once again. It was him!! Summer Chong!! He has finally crossed my limit. I really can't forgive him this time. I was listening to Gil yesterday about him. Gil said he didn't mean it. Now I really doubt it. I saw his post in fb about his convocation. I just thought of asking cause I might make it back in KL for it. When he replied, as usual, rude and without manner, told me the venue and time. At the end of it, he also added, don't ask why and how. Excuse me? What does that mean? I pulled out the thorn yesterday, making myself change my view for him. Still wounded but I'm trying to make it heal. But today, after I saw what he replied, this time is not a thorn. It's a knife. Stabbed straight into my heart. What am I to him? Nothing but an animal? I think he treats his dog better than he treat me. I'm even worst than an animal?? I've had enough of him. It's enough. I'm a human and I need to be respected. 


     I took him as a friend. I really was thinking to go to support him in his convocation. Guessed I'm nothing. 


          I had been crying the whole day. First of all, violin. Violin lesson didn't go well. I got frustrated with myself. Disappointment. I hate myself. I wanted to do well. Mum was nagging also. Mum was giving me pressure. I can't let anyone down especially myself. I had nothing left except my future. 


               JM also. I know he was trying to make me forget about it and was trying to calm me too. But I think it wasn't sincere. He was fooling around and that pissed me off. Why is it has to be like that?? Why everything turn out to be so bad?? Now I really felt like an outcast. I'm nothing. Nothing at all!!

Jealousy??

I am not feeling so good today. Kinda emo. I saw his pictures when he was with them in Genting. Wasn't quite happy about it. Will I always be an outcast? I saw PZ too. She was so happy, even though without me. We were once BFF. But I guessed she has totally forget about me. I tried to make things better between the two of us but she just didn't accept it. Sighs. I can't believe it. Our friendship, of 16 years, gone. We can never turn back time. Now I understand this quote. 


     Besides PZ, I was not happy because I saw him and that girl wearing the same pattern of shirts. Is it coincident or on purpose? Why should I care so much? He's not my anybody. Why should I be jealous? I should have guessed it. A guy with four girls in a room. What can I think? He still replied me. So? Does that make any changes? I was hurt, angry, sad and disappointed with myself. 


          And yet I still hope that I had a place in his heart. Maybe I should be living in my memories. Never to wake up. 


               Had a great chat with Gil in the night. I really need someone to talk to. Atleast I'm feeling better now. In my mind, there won't be just him. The funny thing is, I told Gil that I love her and how I wish I could fall for her. It's crazy! Ok. It freaked Gil out, I guess. ^^


Went for eye check too. Wow. My eyes were numb after they put something in my eye. Made my eyes so tired and heavy. Gosh. Am I really ready to go for eye laser?? After Final Destination 5?? It kinda freaks me out.

Black Swan...

I've watched Black Swan. I was amazed with it. The creator was amazing. I really can feel what Nina felt, as a performer. I was wondering do I have to be like her to achieve my dreams? The movie really touched my heart, even though it's kinda eerie. 


     Not feeling well these few days. Didn't really sleep much. Don't know why. Kinda miss him. Sighs. 

Confused...

I'm kinda confused with my feelings right now. I don't know what to do. I think I like a guy. I think I started to fall for JM. What can I do? I don't like this feeling. I don't know how to deal with it. 


     He told me that he likes a girl. And I've been supporting him. But right now, I felt confused. Should I continue to support him? Ask him to go for the girl?? When he told me that he's hanging out with her, all I felt was worried. I'm worried that I'll lose him. 


          Even though he's hanging out with her, he still replied my messages. Telling me all his whereabouts. But does that mean anything?? I kept telling myself that we are just good friends. I'm worried for his safety is because that's normal. Normal friends can be like that too, right?? I'm keeping myself away from messaging him too. Because I don't want to depend or make him part of my life. 


               But that's very difficult. I'm stuck in the middle. I don't know what should I do now. Why can't I just have a normal life?? 

End of 1st Sept...

Spending my whole day with my relatives. Happy!! Eat, eat, and eat!! I did nothing else except eat. 


     OMG!!!


          Didn't really chat with him today. Stupid MSN's fault again. He didn't received any of my messages. While I thought he doesn't wanna chat. Sighs. 


               Went to the hot spring in the evening. Always had been my favorite. So relaxing. ^^ 


After that, we went to 'Rainbow Street' for dinner. I ate a lot that night. I can't believe myself either. 


     Went to De Garden to meet up with Jiawen and Wanyih. So long didn't chat with them. They are doing great in UCSI. That's a good news. We catch up a lot. Really enjoying myself. Until midnight only we left the cafe. ^^ 

Sending Him Back...

I had a one last time outing with him and I sent him to the train station yesterday. He's back in KL now. I felt differences. When he's alone with me and when there's other people around. We had another great time alone. We get to know each other more. About our family and other interest. Sighs. 


     I'm trying my best to act as nothing as I can be. I just wanna make sure he's comfortable around me. I don't wanna give him any mislead or let him know that I might have feelings for him. I just wanna be supportive. I don't hope for much. Should I give up and move on?? Or should I hold onto him?? Maybe I shouldn't be thinking too much. Sometimes I think I should follow the flow. That's what Gil and Vy had been telling me. 


          Messaged with him the whole night until he reached KL. I'm not sure whether I'm keeping him company or he's the one doing that to me. Sighs. Now I can just tell that we are best friends. I shouldn't be hoping for more. 


               Just go with the flow. ~~~

Having Time With Him...

Woke up early in the morning (29th Aug). Getting ready to go back to Ipoh. He asked me to have lunch with him in the afternoon. I was excited about it. After so long, finally I get the chance to meet him. 


     Driving halfway, ZF sms me. Asked me about the outing for the night. Whether I wanna join or not. I agreed too. Meeting them really lights up my day. 


          Reached Ipoh finally. Straight go to the restaurant he said. I reached first. Sighs. I'm always the punctual one. He reached and we had a great time. And most surprisingly, he gave me a cd. I was shocked. He told me that I wanted Black Swan. So he burned it out for me. I really was amazed at that time. I don't know what to say. 


               After the lunch, he paid obviously. I didn't feel good. Cause usually if there's a guy paying for me, it'll be my dear bro, N. But he showed me that he's a gentleman. 


Later in the evening, he messaged me again, asking whether I wanna join him for jogging or not? Obviously, I'll take all the chances in meeting him again. I went. We had another fun time together too. 


     Finally, it has reached the night. Outing with him again. Along with ZF. I really had the most wonderful time in my entire life. Sighs. But it'll only last for one day. All those will be gone. 


          The next day, went out with him again. But this time, he brought his friends, I brought mine. We went to Jusco to watch Cowboy VS Alien. The girl that he likes, was there. He didn't speak to me for the whole day. He only spoke to me when the girl he likes wasn't around. Kinda sad when he does that to me. What can I do? 


               However, I still couldn't stop myself from messaging him. Why every time it has to be this way?? It's torturing me.