End of 31st May...

I'm so happy today. Had so much fun. Finally, a day without worrying or thinking about him. So relaxing. But he came to talked me like nothing has ever happened?? Sighs. I don't know. He never said the words out that he forgive me. 
I was trying my best to avoid him this whole day. Don't know whether I'm doing the right thing?? Even my vocal teacher also scold me stupid. Sob sob. 
Went to Kyee's house. Having so much fun also there. ^^ Taught her how to do harmony analysis's homework. Kyee almost kill me. I wonder what did she do in Ms Lenn See's class?? =P
I don't feel like going back. I want to stay at her house!! Roselyn, me and Kyee started spamming my wall in the night. ^o^ Such a nice game. 

End of 30th May...

Finally we had a talk yesterday. One to one. I want to listen to his explanation and I want him to listen to mine. But I don't think we had an honest talk. Cause he was hiding a lot of things from me. He didn't tell me the truth. This is something I really don't like about him. Another thing is, he didn't think he was wrong. He told me that what he did, he didn't think he was wrong. Like fetching him, I can say "NO" to him. How can you say "no" to the person you like so much?? I'm willing to sacrifice. I didn't ask for anything in return. I just want him to treat me as a friend and think on my side. 
After that, we went back to school. In the car, he told me that he regretted that he didn't be so cruel to me. I broke my promise, I knew it. I promised to let go, in return he has to treat me as a friend. But he didn't, then why should I keep my promise?? I don't think he was nice to me all this time. We didn't talk much after we returned to school for harmony analysis. 
I went for a movie with John and Kyee after class (4pm) at Sunway. ^^ Watched "Paul". That's a very nice movie. So funny. =P Cute alien.

---

Didn't fetch him back. Don't even care. I just need to relax myself. 

^^

=P

John & me

Going anywhere?

End of 29th May...

I was having a great time chatting with my brother yesterday on the highway. He was actually consulting me. He was thinking on both sides. My side and H's side. He told me to forgive him cause it'll only make me feel better. Why need to waste my time hating a person. Forgive and forget. That's what Sharon told me also. However, I don't think he'll forgive me anymore. He won't listen to me anymore. 
When I was back in kl alone, I think a lot again. Sighs. Why can't my brain just stop working for a few seconds. Cried so badly again. Vomited everything I have eaten for dinner. Now my throat hurts. Didn't get enough sleep also. I think I've slept for about 4 hours?? I don't know what to think of except him. I didn't mean for things to turn out so badly. I just want to express myself. That's all. I couldn't tell him all those words. I can't keep inside me either. 
I'm going crazy sooner or later. I feel like dropping out from school. I feel like killing myself. Cause I don't know how to face him. I'm so in pain. 
But I'm telling myself not to do it. Cause I've promised Gil that I'll find myself back. I got to pick myself up. But I'm not sure whether I got enough strength to do it??
Things will never be the same anymore. Both our hearts had been stabbed. It's just mine bleeds more. He'll heal faster than I will be.  

End of 27th May...

I don't know why I cried so much yesterday. Sighs. Maybe I'm really tired of loving him. Some seniors saw me cry in school. I'm trying my best not to show it but I guess it didn't work. =P
Went out for lunch with Kyee. So happy. She brought me to Korean House at SS2. She knew I wanted to eat korean food for a long time. But we couldn't cause he was with us most of the time. He sure say this and that. Expensive, not full, not worth it. So yesterday just the 2 of us. And I was so down. So Kyee was trying to make me happy. 
So nice having lunch with Kyee. She promised me that she'll bring me to another Korean restaurant that's even better. 
I gained a lot after this incident. I gained a lot of friends' support. However, I've lost myself. The happy me.  
Even after lunch, once I'm back in school, I cried again. ^o^ Kyee couldn't take it anymore. She scolded me again. But everything that she said was true. I shouldn't be wasting my tears for a person who doesn't even care. 
Finally I'm awake. Actually I still want to stay in my dream but reality is cruel. And I'm going to show him what is reality from now on. I tried to give him chances. To give myself another excuse to forgive him. But he didn't appreciate it. 

So many dishes...

our peace sign!!!

Shy shy...

Taken when Kyee wasn't ready

couldn't finish...

Dear me...

I love this tea...

I'm trying my best to finish it...

 

Kyee driving...

End of 26th May...

Finally he was back in action. Getting much better but I don't think I'm doing so good. When I don't see him, I was worrying about this and that. When he's in front of me, I feel that my life was so miserable. I'm just not important to him. He can talk stuff that's so bad about me. I looked like the dog?? It hurts so deep. I mind everything that he said about me. I cared so much. But I'm just that to him. Nothing but a tool!! Nothing but a transport!! Why can't I just wake up from my sweet little dream. My stupid dream that we can have a perfect ending which is so impossible. 

Morning sent me a sms telling me what time to pick him up?? Am I a taxi driver to him?? I didn't even collect a single penny from him. I just want him to know that I'll sacrifice anything just for him. But he won't even care. He's just using me. But I believe whatever he said. I believe when he said that he didn't use me. I know it's a lie. But I'm stupid enough to think that I can trust him. 

I've already done my part well. Telling things that he has missed during his absence. Handing the score to Keyi, that's his score and his performance. Nothing to do with me. The minute he saw me, handed those score, and ask me to hand it to Keyi?? Am I his maid?? Am I his assistant?? What am I?? I questioned myself a lot of times already. What am I to him?? 

Dinner. Left the 3 of us (Kyee,Gil & me). Asked his friend to come over and pick him up?? Don't he think that he's a bit rude?? Why not he just tell me that he won't be joining us for dinner?? I won't mind it. Besides, it's not the first time I get lost. It's not the first time I lost in direction. 
I really hate myself so much!! Had a great scream with Kyee yesterday, in my car. We listened to Richard. Locked the car door and screamed it out. 
I don't know whether what I'm doing now is right or wrong?? But things are getting worst between us. The situation really became very awkward. I don't know how to face him. I don't know when he's real?? I don't know when he's hiding something from me. I don't know whether he still want me to be his friend?? 
I just want to love him in silence. Is it too much I'm asking?? But recently whatever he does, really pissed me off. However, the more I hate him, the more I love him. 

End of 25th May...

I cried today. Maybe because I'm too worried about him. Didn't see him today. I'm really really worried. Wonder what's wrong with him?? Couldn't call him today. My phone was taken by Khayee. She doesn't allow me to call him. She doesn't want me to step in too deep. She wanted to pull me out from the hole. I was wondering is it wrong to care for a person I care so much?? I was wondering whether he was angry with me anot?? I don't know. I just don't recognise this feeling?? I let my emotion take over me. I really couldn't think properly. How am I suppose to let go when I don't even want to let go. I want to shout out all my feelings. I want to tell him how much I care for him. It's so suffering to see a person u care so much and he's sick!! I want to be right next to him. Finally I called him in the night. Not letting anyone know. Explained alot to him. Told him that I wanted to call, but couldn't find my phone. Lie to him!! I feel so bad. 

---

I hate JOHN!!! JOHN KONG!!! I can't believe he said those things in front of Ms Mee Mee. He can't say that. Why does he have to let everyone knows?? Sighs. Hope he won't say anything stupid again tomorrow. I don't want H to know about it. I don't want him to think that I trying to get his attention. Or letting everyone knows about us. I just want us to be us. I didn't ask for anything more. 

Sudden Change Of Plan...

Yesterday I didn't follow the usual plan. I didn't go to Roselyn's condo's canteen. We went to somewhere else. At first we were lost cause I'm so bad in direction. Hahax ^o^ Don't know where we went to?? At the end, we ended up at SS2. =P Quite nice. I was enjoying the food there. It's so nice to have dinner with Roselyn and Eu-Jane. They are so cute. Eu-Jane was not full?? I can't believe it. ^^ 
After that Neven came!! I was so happy to see him. I miss him so much. He's the best brother I ever had!! Purposely came all the way from Kepong. I didn't know he has moved to Kepong. He is so near to me right now. We had a great chat too. Introduced to Roselyn and Eu-Jane. He wanted to treat all of us. But I didn't allow it. Hahax. I said he only can pay for my bills. ^^ Selfish!! He asked me to consider about a lot of things. Seriously!! Wow. That's my brother. =P 
Bronson sms me yesterday. Asking whether we can go sing karaoke anot?? Wednesday?? =P Don't think we can make it. Class until 530pm. It'll be very late. Changing it to another day. ^o^

---

He really didn't leave me a word that he has left. I was waiting for it. What am I?? Not even a friend?? Too tired, too late, too sick!! Was playing sports. But don't have the strength to give me a sms?? Sighs... Can I blame him?? I'm angry but I'm worry too.                            

                       

End of 23rd May...

I'm writing my blog early today. Before I leave the school. Sighs!! Will be going for dinner with Roselyn later at her condo's canteen. Me, Sue and Khayee thought of something very fun for english presentation tomorrow. They will be singing 'Close To You' by Carpenters and I'll be playing the piano. Wow. Finally, first time hearing myself play and I love it so much. And I'm not singing. Hahax!! ^o^ 

---

He was not feeling well today. Left without even letting me know. Atleast a sms will do. Not that I don't want to be considerate, but tomorrow is the presentation. We have to be ready for it. I'm angry at him cause he didn't tell me he was going back. What if I'll be waiting for him?? I'm angry at myself too cause I didn't think on his side. I don't know my feelings right now. Hope he'll get better tomorrow. 

End of 22nd May...

OMG!!!I'm back in Ipoh again. ^^ One day trip?? Or should I say half day trip?? Reached Ipoh at around 4pm. Going back to kl around 1030pm?? Wow. So tired. Luckily I'm not the one driving. Kenneth and my sister wanted to use my car back to Ipoh. That's why I'm following them back. I was so eager to finish my historical assignment today but then, they asked me to go back to Ipoh. I'm still glad that I can finish most of the assignment. I'm like running away. A refugee. Hahax!! What a tired day for me... 

End of 21st May...

Went for breakfast with my sister's ex-colleague, Alex, early in the morning. Get to know new friends again. He brought me to somewhere around Pudu, there's a market there, to taste the "Lam Mee". Tried new things again. ^o^ Ate until quite full. Didn't have my lunch also. 
When I'm back home, need to clean up the house. It's so messy since I went back to Ipoh. Sighs!! Sweep, mop, wash, do everything that a maid has to do. I felt like a maid!! That's why I love my vocal song, "La Serva Padrona". But it's part of my home too. So I gotta make sure it's comfortable. 

---

Didn't think of him the whole day. Maybe I'm too tired cause of the housework. 

End of 20th May...

Went for a movie ( Pirates of the Caribbean ) with Gillian and Neo at Mid Valley. Had a great time. Gillian and I were freezing cold in the cinema. I couldn't even walk when the movie was finally finished. Couldn't feel my leg anymore. Hahax!! 3D didn't seem so 3D to me. =P Wasted my money. So expensive, the ticket. Besides, the stupid subtitle, blocked the screen again. So distracting. And Johnny Depp rocks!! I love him so much. CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW!! I love the way he walks and run. So cute!! 
Left Neo at arcade, went for a walk with Gillian to the ktm. Gillian, if you want a good compact powder, you have to save up money again. Cause I really don't know which brand is good. ^o^ I don't use cheap products cause I don't trust them. It's our face lar. Can't play with it. 

---

I love watching him in silence. Without talking. Just hear him talk. I feel so blessed. 

End of 19th May...

Wow...I had a great talk with Caryn yesterday. Finally, all of our misunderstanding was settled. I told her about how I feel for her previously and she told me hers. I had a great time talking to her. I just want to apologise to her on how I treated her previously. I hope from today onwards, we can be good friends!!! Really good friends. ^o^ I love her!!!

Was angry with someone yesterday...Summer!!! =P He promised me and Gillian that he'll be going for Pirates of The Caribbean with us today. But ended up he's not going. How dare him?? We can't blame him. He said he got something to do. Cruel!!!

By the way, besides talking to Caryn, I chat a lot with Bronson too. Wow. He's really a nice guy. Haha. He gave me a lot of advises and opinions. He's cool!!! I love talking to him too. ^o^ 

---

I just want him to know that I never ask for commitment or anything from him. I just want to let him know that I'll be there for him whenever he needs me to be. To support him and to care for him and to love him.

End of 18th May...

Sighs...finally I'm back in kl...can't online so frequently anymore. Don't have internet connection at home. I have to come back to school to update my blog. So my post will be a day late. 

Yesterday, finally we met. I asked him a lot of questions. Why he didn't pick up my calls? Did he receive my sms? Is he angry about it? We had a talk, just the two of us. He told me that he was angry. That's why he purposely didn't want to pick up my calls. 

Finally everything had settled. He has finally said the words out. He asked me to let go. I've been waiting for this words coming out from him for a long time. Because I know I won't do it unless he ask me to. Because I know deep down inside me I'm still not willing to let go. I didn't talk to him in the morning. Maybe I'm still hurt. Just need some time to calm myself down. After that, I'm beginning to talk to him and have fun with him. After a long thought, I just tell myself that I want everything back to normal. 

We made a promise between us. I promised him that I'll let go and he has to promise me that everything has to go back to normal. Like we used to be before. Like nothing has change. I felt so much happier after that. I don't have to struggle anymore. 

Like what I said previously, as long as he is happy, I will be happy too. To love a person, doesn't mean that you have to own that person. As long as he allows me to be by his side, no matter happy or sad, I'll be glad. As long as he tells me his problems, share it with me, I feel that atleast I'm something to him. As a friend.

I'm really sorry...

I really want to tell him how sorry I am. I want to hear his voice. I really really am sorry. I didn't believe him. I promised that I'll believe him no matter what happen. Told Gillian about it. She told me that we need time to calm ourselves down. I'm giving him time. I'm giving myself time too. It's just too much for me. I couldn't handle it well. I really afraid of losing him. Even as a friend. I'm afraid of not seeing him tomorrow. Afraid that he won't talk to me, won't look at me, won't smile at me. I have so much to worry about. My performance, assignments, presentations!!! Why am I wasting time here worrying about how he will treat me??I don't know...

Start of 17th May...

I really can't sleep yesterday. Woke up in the middle of the night again. Yesterday, I tried calling him 3 times. Sent him a sms. He's not picking up and not replying my sms. I'm telling myself that he has gone to bed. Is it a lie to myself? I called him again the first thing after I woke up. Still not picking up. Guessed, haven't wake up yet. 
My nightmare: I dreamt of him. Those previous one were those I saw him with the girl. Happy and enjoying. But this time was he pick up my call, I was happy and glad. However, he said cruel words to me. It's even worst than the first dream. I was so afraid that I couldn't go back to sleep anymore. I'm really afraid of losing him. 
Today is Wesak Day. I'm going for a pray. Really have to pray for peace, calmness and wisdom. This is all I need right now. 

End of 16th May...

     Wow...finally I'm not sitting in front of the computer for the whole day. I've been avoiding the computer. Haha. ^^
     Practising my piano the whole day. Getting ready for the up-coming lunchtime concert. 
     My brother called today. He said he saw Jay Chou and Nicholas Tse shooting for a new movie at his company. Downstairs, outside. Cool!!!
     Day 3 of not seeing him. This morning he piss me off. I was so angry that I said something that I shouldn't have said. Now he's angry. He didn't even pick up my calls. I'm sad, hurt again. I took the first step to chat with him but now, ended up, I did wrongly. I really wish that he'll pick up my calls. I just want to apologise to him. 
     I told Gillian today that I have made my decision. I will continue to love him in silence. I told Gillian that to love a person is to see them happy. All I want, is him to be happy. I just want to see the smile on his face. 
     I told Gillian also that I might not have nightmare tonight because I've made the decision. Guess, it's not going to happen. I don't think I can sleep after the incident. I'm afraid that he'll be angry, really angry at me. I'm trying to reach him, but he doesn't want to pick up the phone. 
     I just want to say "I'm sorry".

Start of 16th May...

Good morning!! ^o^
Last night after I've updated my last post, chatted with Khayee until midnight. Already broke my rules. I never sleep so late previously. I'm afraid of going to bed nowadays. I'm afraid of the nightmares. As usual, the same old nightmare is haunting me. I feel so tired. Telling myself this is another brand new day. I should be thankful because I'm still breathing.
 http://youtu.be/nnO7HC_u2xo

End of 15th May...

     This is my last post for the day. Used one whole day to create this cute n lovely blog of mine. Proud! 


     I kept myself busy the whole day. Babysit my sister's 1 and a half year old baby. Cute but frustrated sometimes. Haha...


     This is day two of not seeing him. However, it still hurts. I kept on telling myself that I must let go. But it seems like I'm not trying hard enough. 


     Chatted with Sue in the night. Suddenly just let out everything. =P Guessed I just couldn't hide my feelings anymore. I need my dear sis, Gillian. Where are you??


     How can he be so happy while I'm missing him so much here?? Is it worth it?? Everyone tells me don't give up the whole forest just because of one tree. It's true. But just how?? I'm getting really really sick. I couldn't eat or sleep well. I even couldn't think properly. I'm so not me!!

Time To End...

Will I ever pick myself up?
Like picking up a cup?
Will I ever make it through?
Picking myself out from the blues?


You ignored me,
Like something that you cannot see,
I wonder how we will be?
All I felt was sorrow and misery.


I miss him but will he ever miss me?
I doubt it because I am not the only one he can see,
His feelings for me, just like the waves in the sea,
Rolling back and forth-coming towards me.


I still cry in the night,
Will I still be able to see the light?
There are things still not clear,
Because I am still shedding those tears.


I know it is time to end,
My feelings, away I send,
Slowly time will heal and mend,
My heart, but I just don't know when.

My Dear Sis...

First of all I would like to thank my dearest sis...^o^
Gillian Yap!!!for teaching me how to create a blog...and for keeping me busy.
I'm really glad cause I have her to be around me and supported me.
Without her, I don't think I can make it on my own.
Had been really down those past few days, and she's the one making sure my days are moving.
I just want to let her know I love her very much!!!

My First Time...

Hi,


This is my first time pen down a blog. Trying to make it as quite interesting as it can be. Finally found a way to express myself.