Happenings...

It has been some time, that I didn't really write. Sighs. Don't have the time I guess. Just came back from Taiwan, vacation. Happy!! Enjoying myself so much. Miss him so much during that time. 


     Really wanna meet him straight away when I reached Malaysia. And I did. Met up with him the second day that I reached. I told him that I really wanna meet him so badly. Missed him so much. He drove. First time, he's fetching me around in his car. Unforgettable. 


          Backed to school after that. Things happened again. WH... OMG... What's wrong with me and him? Told him that I'm back from Taiwan, and he asked me out for dinner. I can't believe I did something so unbelievable. What's really going on between the 2 of us? How can he do something like that? I was really shocked. Till now, those memories still fresh in my head. And I can't believe myself either. I responded to him?? What the hell am I thinking? I did enjoyed at that moment. That was my very first time, and I'm kinda addicted to it. I wanted to try again but I don't want my second time with him. It made me feel so bad. It's so wrong to do something like that, when he already has a gf. 


               Anyway, it had passed. Sunday... JM came out to meet up again. It was the band idol competition too. Introduced him to Kyee, Sue and John. They shocked him by the way. Watched "Breaking Dawn". I clutched his hand towards the end of the movie cause I was so cold. First time feeling cold by the way. He was so sweet. And I think I'm totally in love with him. After what had happen between me and WH, I just realized that JM means so much to me. He loved the little souvenir that I got for him. He was so happy, and when I see the smile on his face, my days just got so much better. How I wish that I have the courage to ask him to be mine... He really has been my strength that keeps me moving on. His support and his care. Now I just wish that all of this do not expired. 


Mum and dad had a huge fight. I can make it through cause of JM. He was there to listen and talk. Without him, I think I had broke down again. How can I imagine my days without him? It'll be a suicide. Hope mum and dad will get better soon. It's stupid to end such a long relationship. How old are they? It's not fun at all. 


     Assignments!! Kill me... Anyway, I'm dying anyhow. OMG... It's so difficult. Can I really handle it? My pieces and exams and assignments. Can I cope with it? Right now, I really wanna shout... TIME IS NOT ENOUGH!!! I need more time. Have I been wasting so much time? Sighs. >.< 

End of 14th November...

Sighs. Why do this kind of feelings hit me every few days? It really does not do me any good. I really miss him so badly. Friday we were still chatting, and after that, he started to change again. I don't know him. When he's with his friends, I'm nothing. However, I didn't force him. he doesn't wanna message, I won't message him. Maybe I really love him a lot. I just want him to be happy. Didn't message him the whole day on Sunday. But he messaged me in the night. I didn't know until Monday, in school. How can I ever tell him that I miss him so much?


     Friday: Greyson Chance's live performance in KL Live, Life Centre. First time ever to a live performance. That was cool. Went with Kyee and John. My second time with them. We were cool. Searching for roads. Ended up in Pavillion, watched "Immortal", it's a very nice movie. Love it!! Funny part was, Kyee screamed in the cinema!! I was laughing inside. And the movie reminded me of him. The name Theseuz. His game character's name. Why everything has to be related to him? We walked to KL Live. First time also, walking in the street of KL. Amazing!! GC was quite handsome. I'm so in love with blonde. >.<"


          Saturday: Went to Kyee's house to do assignment. But ended up played Facebook's tetris? @_@ He pissed me off. Really was mad at him. Didn't feel like talking to him also. But I chat a lot with WH. OMG!! He's cool too. XD


               Sunday: Yamaha drum camp 2011!! It really was an amazing experience. But it's so tiring. Went to school early. Helping out, was fun and crazy for the whole day. Knew a lot of cool drummers too. Messaged with WH and Reeve the whole day. Cause I don't feel like messaging him. What for message him when he doesn't feel like replying. It will just makes me hate myself even more. Ate dinner with WH, with Kyee too. Don't dare to go out with him alone. He was so nice to pick us up at Sunway. And I had a new nickname, "Polar Bear". Thanks to WH. Second time hanging out with WH. 

My Feelings...?

I was so excited yesterday. I got 2 tickets to go to Greyson Chance's live performance in KL Live, Life Centre. Amazing. I can't believe it. In my whole life, I never been to any live performance before, except ensembles. But this is so different. I can get to see a singer performing live. OMG!! I'm really excited about it.


     The first person I think o,f is him, when I got the tickets. I asked him and yet, he turned me down again. Sighs. I was really disappointed with it. The second time he turned me down. Excuse me? If a girl being turned down for the second time, they should totally give up on that guy. I didn't reply to his last SMS. After 2 hours, he SMS me again. Asking me not to be EMO, telling me that he really got something to do on that day and he is sorry about it. Actually it's nothing, I just don't feel like replying to him. That's all. And now, I'm starting to think again. Do I mean something to him?


          I tagged him videos of Greyson Chance. 1 of it with the title "Unfriend You". He commented on it : So we are not friends anymore?? Ok... Bye...


               It hurts when I saw that comment. My tears automatically flowed down the moment I saw it. I didn't even mean anything. I just thought of showing him who's Greyson. That's all. So, I messaged him saying that it hurts, and I didn't mean that. If he wants to do that, it's up to him. And I cried again. Obviously he did replied and I think that shocked him too. I didn't reply in Whatsapp. So he SMS me. Apologizing and explaining. Which basically after 2 or 3 SMS-es, I forgave him. Sighs. Love??


Does this mean something? Do I really have a place in his heart? I was actually kinda happy when he really did tried and gave effort in trying to calm me down and explain and apologize. Ok, this is not good. I'm not trying to pull myself out, instead I think I'm stepping into much more deeper. OMG!! @_@


     Today in vocal ensemble, CMM tried to humiliate me again. Sobs. But she's giving me a chance to sing solo in the ensemble. I can't believe it. It's a great opportunity. I don't think I wanna lose it. I'll hold on tight to this chance. Thank God!! And of course, our dear Ms Mee Mee. 

Bravery...

Finally I wrote it out. I wrote all my feelings in the notebook that I'm going to give him tomorrow. If he ever opens it, he will know about it. But if he doesn't, means its through. It's the end of it. I decided to let him know, means I'm ready to let go. Cause I know, I won't get any answer from him or he'll just turn me down. This is what I wrote:


     The reason I pen this down is because I couldn't find the words to tell you. Didn't mean to burden you at all. Now that I understand, when you told me that you heart ache when you saw her with another guy. The same feeling is flowing inside me now. Every time I see you with her, my heart ache. I don't know when I started to have this feeling. This is why I've been acting strange lately and this is something that I can't figure out. I know it's not right. It's so wrong to fall for you. I'm sorry! I know my life is boring because there is only music. I never hope that this love would be returned. I just wanna be honest with myself. And I trust you. Promise me, go after your happiness. Don't wait for it to come. You are not alone. Just remember, I will always support, care and be there for you. The poem "Passerby" that I wrote, actually reflecting me in your life. Thanks for allowing me to try to fit in. Hoping that you won't ignore and avoid me after reading this. You are a good friend and I'm beginning to rely on you. I'm sorry, to have feelings for you.


          Sighs...Maybe I really should move on and concentrate in my studies. My future is so important to me. A promise to myself, will never screw my future!! 


               By the way, today Gil told me about Summer again. I'm happy for her but still, I care so much on what he thinks about me. He said something that hurt me again. I'm not an idiot nor crazy. I'm just me. I don't know. The wall between me and Gil is getting thicker. I'm not sure its because of him or its because of me. Maybe I just couldn't fit in. 


Anyway, I'm happy to receive something from Gil and Xbaby. I love them so much. They light up my day. I will try my best to search for myself again. I will be happy!! 

What Am I Thinking??

Wasn't free to pen down lately. Kinda busy with assignment. And I really need some rest. What's wrong with me?? I thought I promised myself to let go and yet I'm still feeling so bad about it. I hate it every time I check my facebook. I really don't wanna look at it. But every time I flip through it, I definitely find something that will hurt me so bad. Damn it. What the hell is this?? Am I really in hell now?? 


     I get it why yesterday he didn't seem like replying me. Cause he was out with her again. Who the hell he think I am? A maid? A slave? Why every time has to be this way? Am I really nothing to anyone? Am I the tiniest character in a movie? A monster in a game? Was meant to be hurt or killed?? I am really pissed right now. I was praying for calmness, peacefulness and wisdom the other day in the temple. I got it for 2 days. But right now, here I go again. 


          I really wanna scream out loud. FUCK YOU!!! YOU ARE TORTURING ME!!! 


               Gil told me that he was lazy to reply because guys are like that. I took it. Didn't wanna blame him also. But what I saw today in facebook really kills me. Sighs. Why do I have this kind of spare time to even think about him? He's nothing... nothing at all. Why do I have this kind of feeling?? 


Will I ever cross in his mind?? I never should have believe in miracles. This is tearing me apart. 

Hate Myself...

I'm hating myself again. Why can't I just be strong enough? Why do I have to let emotion take over me? It's so much pain. I don't think I can take it anymore. I really miss him from day to day. But all I get are sadness, frustration, anger and disappointment. Who the hell he think he is? Messing with my life? I just want myself back. I don't want this feeling anymore. It really hurts. 


     The worst part is, he begins to ignore me. I hate being ignored. I hate being left out. Who am I to him? I really don't wanna think. I just hate all the guys in this world. I hate them!! I HATE MYSELF EVEN MORE!!

My Letter To Him...

Actually the reason I write this letter is not trying to burden you
I just wanna write out all my feelings
What I have been feeling all these while
When you are around and when you are not around.
I just want you to know that I will support you no matter what happens
I know my love for you might bring you awkwardness
And I know, inside your heart might have someone else
But I just want you to know that you are not alone
You wont have to face your problem alone
I really don't know how this happen
How suddenly it was, to have feelings for you?
I never thought that you will return my feelings
But I would like you to know what I'm thinking all these while
Sometimes I might feel jealous because you hang out with her more than you hang out with me
I even cried so badly because of it
Stupidity? You might think of that too.
Is it wrong to have this kind of feeling?
I just want to give you the best, the best love in this world.
Never want you to be sad, never want you to suffer
I just want you to go after your happiness
Don't give up, cause I'm not giving you up either
I promise you to move on, with or without you
And I hope you promise me too, that you'll go after your happiness
I don't want you to regret in your life
Right now, I have no regret in life because I braced myself to write this out
To have the courage to tell you what my thoughts are
To feel blessed, by knowing you, being a part of my life
I'm not shy to say this out, "I LOVE YOU"
You mean so much more to me......

Birthday...

Today is his birthday. He's back in Ipoh while I'm staying here, in KL. The weird part is I'm missing him but I'm not messaging him. What he has always been dreaming of? Having the person he like the most to celebrate with him. Sighs. Who am I? 


     May told me never to think how important I am to him. Never to ask this kind of questions. Cause it will only make you feel even worst. I'm not thinking anymore. Maybe this is why I don't cry anymore. What can I do? The greatest love is not owning, but letting go. I just want the best for him. I just want him to be happy. 


          Reeve is the best. He taught me a lot. About iphone and laptop. He purposely came over to Kelana Jaya on Thursday. Had so much fun hanging out with him. ^^ It's worth it skipping class for him. 

Rains & Sunshine....

Getting stronger by each day,
Soon, goodbye is all I will say,
You can come and go as you may,
This is love and there is a price to be paid. 

          No one can ever understand me,
          Because I am not what you see,
          Inside of me, wanted to flee,
          To a place where I can be what I wanna be. 

                    I will never say that I am fine,
                    Because I will never come across in your mind,
                    However, there will still be rains and sunshine,
                    Taking its' turn, waiting in line. 

                              Everyday a simple message,
                              To let you know, you are not forgotten,
                              There will always be an end for every passage,
                              To let us know, be strong and move on. 

Passerby...

I am still living in my memories,
Still holding tight on those memories,
Never want to wake up, never want to see,
This cruel reality. 


Never to believe in love again?
Cause it is nothing but heart ache,
Never want to feel this pain,
Cause it is more than I can take. 


How I wish I was the one,
The one you see, the one you think,
How I wish you were the one,
The one that care, giving me the strength.


Will we ever be apart?
A question that always stays in my heart,
Will I ever win a place?
In your heart or am I just left in the base?


I am just a passerby in your life,
You close the door and living me behind,
And yet I still hope to be by your side,
Atleast had a moment rather than just passing by. 

Unimportant...

OMG!! Lately I've been crying a lot. I'm losing myself again. I cried on Thursday night because I saw his picture with her hanging out. Silly me right? Why should I cry? He didn't tell me about it? And I can't believe myself either. I messaged him like I don't know anything. Asking him to be careful. What am I doing? 


     He doesn't care like he used to anymore. Sometimes I can feel that when he was chatting with me, he's just passing his time there. Maybe he just wish that I would stop messaging him. And I think I should too. What for when I'm struggling in this situation and making him feel bad. No point of it!! It's just me. I'm the one who think so much when there isn't anything happening. 


          He's having the best moment in his life. Hanging out with YY. I can't be compared. I'm nothing to him. So unimportant. I messaged him today, asking whether he wanna have dinner with me. He turned me down, his excuse? Dinner with his aunt. He's not lying. But I just wanna know whether he tried to ask for exceptional? Did he ever try or think of going out with me? 


               Right now I only have Xbaby. Every time I'm sad, she's the one being there for me. I didn't tell Gil anything about this. Because I know she won't comfort me cause she can't understand the situation I'm in. I just hope everything will fade away soon. 


I don't wanna shed a single tear for him anymore. I will be stronger. It's enough. Moving on ~~~

End of 4th Oct...

Hadn't write much lately. Don't think I got the time. Workshop!!! Assignment!!! Driving me crazy already. Sighs. 


     Met Mrs Bravo today. OMG!! Feel like shouting at her face. Come on. College life. Should be excited in every where. Why can't we just laugh and get excited at the corridor? Even worst compared to Johnny Bravo. Barking at us cause we were excited. Crazy!! However, I should pity her cause I'm 100% sure she doesn't have a life like us. Shame on us?? Really wanna take off my shoe and throw at her. Her life can be boring but she can't expect us to life like her. MEANINGLESS ~~~


          Still messaging with him. I don't think I can live without messaging him everyday. But I'm controlling myself. Not that often. ^^ 


               Gil's problem. XD She really should take things slowly now. Chatted with Neo today. Crazy!! Crap a lot. So stupid!! I'm talking rubbish for the first time. I can't believe it.

End of 25th Sept...

I went out with him for almost the whole day. I was happy at first and excited. However, my mood started to change after the movie. 


     The movie was about viruses. People are so fragile. Out of sudden, they just leave this world. Without a word or saying goodbye. I was blessed because I'm still breathing. 


          After the movie, I did something very stupid. I clutched his arm. He backed away obviously. That hurts. I know it's a normal reaction. I know it's my mistake. I didn't mean to. After today, maybe I am a really good friend to him. I think I can never replace that girl's place. In his eyes, I'm just a good friend. 


               How can I ever say out those words? I really think I should back away from him already. 


Met Neven, my dear brother. I can't believe it. I miss him so much. But we can't chat much. 


     P/S : Will I ever get the chance to go out with him again?? 

End of 22nd Sept...

Ok. Since that one day I didn't message him, I'm back into the hole again. I've been messaging him for two days non-stop. Is it a good thing? I guess so. I don't know. The way we chat, it's more than what normal friends usually chat. I really really miss him. He asked me out yesterday. I was hyper the whole day. Gone crazy with Gil and May. 


     The only thing I don't like about yesterday is CMM. She picked on me. OMG!! Hate it. Everything I do, she'll point it out. Mentioned my name so many times. =.="


          I had the weirdest dream ever in my life. I dreamed of Bronson and Reeve?? Guessed I really miss them so much. They are fun. KARAOKE!! ^^


          Richard was kinda fierce today. My hands were shaking when I'm in improvisation class. But luckily and fortunately I passed it without being scolded. Happy!! And he said good after I've played my part. 


Went for YYO, first time in an orchestra. It's a lot of fun. I'm so lost in it. Dr Choong said the bar numbers, and by the time I found it, they went all the way ahead. And I'm lost again. Hehe. During YYO, I know that May wasn't herself anymore. Seeing the person that she likes, sitting with another girl. Talked and laughed like long lost friends. I really can't imagine it. If I'm in that situation, I don't think I can hold myself any longer. Tears will be streaming down. I don't know what to do about it. 


     It seems that I'm the only one among them to be the happiest. May was EMO. Gil is the same too. Cause she couldn't get an answer from H. Sometimes I just feel bad. But I really have to say that I'm totally "IN LOVE". Every time I get his messages, I'll go hyper around and everything in my life seem complete. 


          How I wish that all of this will last. ~~~

End of 20th Sept...

I didn't message him for the whole day. Is it the right thing? I kept myself busy. Practised my piano, cleaned my room, do the dishes, laundry. I even watched TV. Something that I haven't been doing for so long. I did control myself. 
  
     Still not messaging him in the night. I on my laptop. Signed in my MSN. Saw his name, but I'm controlling. But he messaged me. Asking questions that are very concerning. I really should stop myself from falling into the hole. He made me miss him again. 


          My dear sis, Gil. I can't believe what she told me. OMG!! She's in love?? And the same guy i fell for before. What a joke? And it's not even a joke. Gil likes H. But I think the both of them really matches each other. Anyway, I'm ok right now. H is my bro. Gil is my sis. I'll support the both of them. Actually I really hope that Gil will tell me that she fall for Summer. Even though I hate Summer very much but I know Summer will treat Gil very good. Anyway, it's her choice. 


               May!! My second dear sis. Hahax. I just love chatting with her. She's amazing. And I just don't know what to do to make her feel happy again. All I can do is just crap around. ^^ She even create a new family for us. VANITY!! I love it. Hahax. We should actually dress ourselves up and take a picture of us. Make it the front page of our new chapter of life. I should suggest it out. Proud!! 

End of 19th Sept...

Second week of school. I really miss him a lot. I'm sick. Fever yesterday. He didn't replied my messages for 2 days. I was kinda sad. He replied on Sunday. But we didn't chat much. Wasn't in the mood. 


     I couldn't keep myself from messaging him. And why is that? Why can't I just control myself? I'm such an idiot. Sighs. I let him know that I miss him. Is it a good thing? But he doesn't show any reaction. I'm not sure. I can't really hear properly in the phone. How I wish he knows how I feel? 


          Gil and May. My 2 darlings. My dearest sis!! Both of them supported me to tell him how I feel. Both of them are giving my the courage to do so. And I appreciate it. I love them so much. So I might consider of telling him how I feel. And I know it'll be a rejection. Atleast I'm true to myself and him. I should be fair. 


               Had my dinner at wings cafe with Rose. Had a great time too. That's when I called him and let him know I miss him. Ok, now Rose also knew what's going on with me. Sighs. There's a cute guy working there at wings cafe. He gave me a compliment on my dressing. Cute!! I even saw Kyee n dad dating there. Hahax. 


But I don't dare to hope much. I'm not as pretty as Taylor Swift. Nor I'm as thin as her. I'm ugly, fat, stupid and irritating. I'm so hopeless!!

End of 15th Sept...

I was kinda happy the whole day. I mean the first half of the day?? Why??


     Yesterday he did something that made me very happy and kinda surprise. He was worried about me. Is it a good thing?? He called when he didn't receive my message. Cause I told him that I'll message him once I reach home. But I was stuck in the jam for like one and a half hour. So he called to know where am I. I feel blessed at that moment. Someone care for me. Am I dreaming?? 


          But the second half of the day wasn't that good. I got a 'saman'. Hate it. Sobs. Rm30. Gone. ~~~ 


               Almost had an accident. Because I didn't really pay attention on the road. I was worrying about the 'saman'. OK. He nagged at me after I told him about it. He was complaining because I didn't drive carefully. Feel blessed again. 


Had a great chat with CC today. ^^ Went out 'yum cha' with her. OMG. Seldom!! It was so nice and fun chatting with her. She was telling me about her problems and I'm telling mine. She said she hate art management. And she kept on asking why I didn't go for it. Hahax. It's a good decision on taking up performance as major. I'm happy. 

End of 12th Sept...

Today was the first day of the first semester. Happy!! Went to school early today. 9am. Practise and practise. Piano lesson is going to be on monday. Changed lecturer. Changed to Hui Chi. I think I've made the right decision. Changing to Hui Chi. I learned a lot today. I was happy with the result of it. I understand what HC is trying to teach me. She's a nice teacher to me. 


     Workshop!! OMG!! First day, Ms W already gave us the assignment questions. Gosh. Kinda headache. Some more we have to use computer. I'm so classical. I don't even understand a single word she said about computer. >.<


          By the way, I am still chatting with him. Oh shit. I just can't control it. Whenever I saw the wifi connection is on, I'll message him. What's wrong with me? Lack of self control? But he's been very supportive. For the whole day. Encouraging me. It gave me confidence. 


               Jam!! I was stucked in the jam for an hour today. =.=" 


Neo isn't showing up. He doesn't even pick up my calls. I think he really dropping out this semester. How can he do that? He's giving up his future. What can he do? He's such useless to me actually. And he still owe me RM50. He said he's gonna return it to me this semester. How dare him? I can't believe it. Such a jerk. Ok. I should blame myself too. I'm stupid enough to believe him. Since he's giving up himself, I think I should give up on him too. 


     I got the letter for majoring in performance. I was so happy about it. I really can do it for performance. It was such a huge achievement to me. But in the same time, I feel pressure. Anyway, I'm going to do my very best. I'll enjoy every single moment shining up there. I know I can do it. 


          P/S : I hope I can always have his support too. ^^

Once Again...

Once again. It was him!! Summer Chong!! He has finally crossed my limit. I really can't forgive him this time. I was listening to Gil yesterday about him. Gil said he didn't mean it. Now I really doubt it. I saw his post in fb about his convocation. I just thought of asking cause I might make it back in KL for it. When he replied, as usual, rude and without manner, told me the venue and time. At the end of it, he also added, don't ask why and how. Excuse me? What does that mean? I pulled out the thorn yesterday, making myself change my view for him. Still wounded but I'm trying to make it heal. But today, after I saw what he replied, this time is not a thorn. It's a knife. Stabbed straight into my heart. What am I to him? Nothing but an animal? I think he treats his dog better than he treat me. I'm even worst than an animal?? I've had enough of him. It's enough. I'm a human and I need to be respected. 


     I took him as a friend. I really was thinking to go to support him in his convocation. Guessed I'm nothing. 


          I had been crying the whole day. First of all, violin. Violin lesson didn't go well. I got frustrated with myself. Disappointment. I hate myself. I wanted to do well. Mum was nagging also. Mum was giving me pressure. I can't let anyone down especially myself. I had nothing left except my future. 


               JM also. I know he was trying to make me forget about it and was trying to calm me too. But I think it wasn't sincere. He was fooling around and that pissed me off. Why is it has to be like that?? Why everything turn out to be so bad?? Now I really felt like an outcast. I'm nothing. Nothing at all!!

Jealousy??

I am not feeling so good today. Kinda emo. I saw his pictures when he was with them in Genting. Wasn't quite happy about it. Will I always be an outcast? I saw PZ too. She was so happy, even though without me. We were once BFF. But I guessed she has totally forget about me. I tried to make things better between the two of us but she just didn't accept it. Sighs. I can't believe it. Our friendship, of 16 years, gone. We can never turn back time. Now I understand this quote. 


     Besides PZ, I was not happy because I saw him and that girl wearing the same pattern of shirts. Is it coincident or on purpose? Why should I care so much? He's not my anybody. Why should I be jealous? I should have guessed it. A guy with four girls in a room. What can I think? He still replied me. So? Does that make any changes? I was hurt, angry, sad and disappointed with myself. 


          And yet I still hope that I had a place in his heart. Maybe I should be living in my memories. Never to wake up. 


               Had a great chat with Gil in the night. I really need someone to talk to. Atleast I'm feeling better now. In my mind, there won't be just him. The funny thing is, I told Gil that I love her and how I wish I could fall for her. It's crazy! Ok. It freaked Gil out, I guess. ^^


Went for eye check too. Wow. My eyes were numb after they put something in my eye. Made my eyes so tired and heavy. Gosh. Am I really ready to go for eye laser?? After Final Destination 5?? It kinda freaks me out.

Black Swan...

I've watched Black Swan. I was amazed with it. The creator was amazing. I really can feel what Nina felt, as a performer. I was wondering do I have to be like her to achieve my dreams? The movie really touched my heart, even though it's kinda eerie. 


     Not feeling well these few days. Didn't really sleep much. Don't know why. Kinda miss him. Sighs. 

Confused...

I'm kinda confused with my feelings right now. I don't know what to do. I think I like a guy. I think I started to fall for JM. What can I do? I don't like this feeling. I don't know how to deal with it. 


     He told me that he likes a girl. And I've been supporting him. But right now, I felt confused. Should I continue to support him? Ask him to go for the girl?? When he told me that he's hanging out with her, all I felt was worried. I'm worried that I'll lose him. 


          Even though he's hanging out with her, he still replied my messages. Telling me all his whereabouts. But does that mean anything?? I kept telling myself that we are just good friends. I'm worried for his safety is because that's normal. Normal friends can be like that too, right?? I'm keeping myself away from messaging him too. Because I don't want to depend or make him part of my life. 


               But that's very difficult. I'm stuck in the middle. I don't know what should I do now. Why can't I just have a normal life?? 

End of 1st Sept...

Spending my whole day with my relatives. Happy!! Eat, eat, and eat!! I did nothing else except eat. 


     OMG!!!


          Didn't really chat with him today. Stupid MSN's fault again. He didn't received any of my messages. While I thought he doesn't wanna chat. Sighs. 


               Went to the hot spring in the evening. Always had been my favorite. So relaxing. ^^ 


After that, we went to 'Rainbow Street' for dinner. I ate a lot that night. I can't believe myself either. 


     Went to De Garden to meet up with Jiawen and Wanyih. So long didn't chat with them. They are doing great in UCSI. That's a good news. We catch up a lot. Really enjoying myself. Until midnight only we left the cafe. ^^ 

Sending Him Back...

I had a one last time outing with him and I sent him to the train station yesterday. He's back in KL now. I felt differences. When he's alone with me and when there's other people around. We had another great time alone. We get to know each other more. About our family and other interest. Sighs. 


     I'm trying my best to act as nothing as I can be. I just wanna make sure he's comfortable around me. I don't wanna give him any mislead or let him know that I might have feelings for him. I just wanna be supportive. I don't hope for much. Should I give up and move on?? Or should I hold onto him?? Maybe I shouldn't be thinking too much. Sometimes I think I should follow the flow. That's what Gil and Vy had been telling me. 


          Messaged with him the whole night until he reached KL. I'm not sure whether I'm keeping him company or he's the one doing that to me. Sighs. Now I can just tell that we are best friends. I shouldn't be hoping for more. 


               Just go with the flow. ~~~

Having Time With Him...

Woke up early in the morning (29th Aug). Getting ready to go back to Ipoh. He asked me to have lunch with him in the afternoon. I was excited about it. After so long, finally I get the chance to meet him. 


     Driving halfway, ZF sms me. Asked me about the outing for the night. Whether I wanna join or not. I agreed too. Meeting them really lights up my day. 


          Reached Ipoh finally. Straight go to the restaurant he said. I reached first. Sighs. I'm always the punctual one. He reached and we had a great time. And most surprisingly, he gave me a cd. I was shocked. He told me that I wanted Black Swan. So he burned it out for me. I really was amazed at that time. I don't know what to say. 


               After the lunch, he paid obviously. I didn't feel good. Cause usually if there's a guy paying for me, it'll be my dear bro, N. But he showed me that he's a gentleman. 


Later in the evening, he messaged me again, asking whether I wanna join him for jogging or not? Obviously, I'll take all the chances in meeting him again. I went. We had another fun time together too. 


     Finally, it has reached the night. Outing with him again. Along with ZF. I really had the most wonderful time in my entire life. Sighs. But it'll only last for one day. All those will be gone. 


          The next day, went out with him again. But this time, he brought his friends, I brought mine. We went to Jusco to watch Cowboy VS Alien. The girl that he likes, was there. He didn't speak to me for the whole day. He only spoke to me when the girl he likes wasn't around. Kinda sad when he does that to me. What can I do? 


               However, I still couldn't stop myself from messaging him. Why every time it has to be this way?? It's torturing me. 

End of 28th Aug...

Went to Mines with Gil and Summer. Had a great time?? I hope so. Anyway, I was trying real hard to enjoy myself. And ended up, I didn't had a fight with Summer. I guessed that's a good thing?? Not like what Gil said, he pay for everything?? Nope. But I don't think I'll allow him to do so. Besides, I'm not Gil. He won't treat me the way he treat Gil. Guessed that's our difference. Sighs. 
     
     We watched Final Destination 5. What do you expect?? People dieing obviously. ^^ Finally it's the end of it too. The part with the eye laser really freaks me out. I wanted to do that operation. I screamed so loud in the cinema. Wanted to cry as well. Otherwise, it's ok to me. I was laughing too when those victims died one by one. =.="


          After the movie, I wanted to walk around. ALONE!! But Gil just won't allow me to do so. Sighs. They are torturing me la. I'm like an invisible woman there. They were chatting while I follow?? OMG!! Another scene just like Kyee did to me. I'm just trying my best not to burst out cause I know if I fit into their conversation, I'll start to quarrel with Summer again. The best I can do is avoid, fake not to hear, or be alone. I just know that Summer doesn't want me to be there. I don't know. My instinct?? 


               Finally, he did sent me back to Mahkota Cheras. And in the end, I'm trying to have a conversation with him too. I did well?? Anyway, everything has over already. Gil's business!! I can't believe it. She's hunger for alcohol?? OMG!! She can't differentiate all those alcohol. Hehe!! I'm good.


 I had a great time learning pool too. Ok. I admit I have a lot of questions. But that's me. I just love questions. Anything wrong with that?? Fine. ~~

27th August...

Woke up so early today. 545am?? The earliest in my life. Cant count those where I need to catch a plane. ^^


     Working!! Yea. Got RM 90 for it. Gonna spend it tomorrow in Mines. Went to Grand Dorsett Hotel. When we reached, it looks familiar. It is where I have my convocation. Opps. I told Jie it wasn't. Can't let her know the truth, or else she'll laugh at me again. 


          Had a busy day. Tired too. Stand there at the door the whole time. No food. Very messy. Not systematic. A lot of people competing. All those small kids. They are so cute. Wore like princesses and compete. They are amazing. Sue made it. Sue won first prize. She's good at performing. I wonder should I try it next year?? I wanna try also, if I really wanna choose performance. Sighs!!


               Summer came to find Gil. Went out for dinner with him. Actually I don't really like it. I don't know. I don't feel like talking to him anymore. He irritates me. Don't even want to look at him. Feel like slapping him already. I don't know.I went because of Gil asked me to. Or I don't even have a transport to go back. I might be over sensitive again. It seems like Summer and Gil got something going on. They didn't seem normal friends to me. But who the hell care?? I just wanna know what's going on in Gil's life. She's my sis. 


Going out with him again tomorrow. Final Destination5. Gil and I have been waited for this day. I just have to control my temper. Can't lose it. I shouldn't make Gil feel bad. Crossed fingers!!

KTM!!

Friday I had a great time. It was Kenneth's birthday. We celebrated with him. Baby Alvan is so cute. He doesn't wanna sleep even though he's very sleepy already. So cute. We are having so much fun. Went to Fahrenheit 88 for japanese buffet. But I don't think it's nice. Nothing much to eat. After that,we walked around Pavilion. OMG!! So long didn't walk around there. I was so happy too. 


     Later in the evening, I took KTM to Gil's house. First time taking back public transport after I had been driving to KL. It scared me. So many people. So rude and rough. My head was spinning even after I had reached Kajang. >< But I did make it. I didn't lost somewhere. Proud!!


          Stayed at her house. And we really had a great chat. Hahax. Don't need to sleep. Usually the me, 11pm already started to fall asleep. Watched Saw4. Stupid movie. Giving me such a headache. Don't even understand the meaning of it. 

    

Excited...

Hurray!! I'm going back to kl already. Tomorrow evening. I can't wait to meet Gil. I miss her so much. Got a lot to tell her, and I hope I got a lot from her too. I'm so busy body. Hahax. ^^


     I really think I miss out a lot. I'm so into my own world. I don't know what's going on around me, people around me, how are they doing? Sighs. I'm so outer space. ><


          Work, work, work!! I really desperately need money. My allowance is not enough. How can that happen to me?? Sobs. I wanna buy a dress but I'm thinking for so long. Cause I really need to save up some money. Taiwan trip!! Nov!! I wanna shop till I drop. So I really have to be thrifty. XD


Gil told me she's angry with H? I wonder why. Cause Gil seldom get angry with someone. She's so open minded. H really must have pissed her off. Anyway, Gil told me it's nothing. I think I shouldn't ask anymore. Ask less, think less, troubles lesser. Ain't that great?? 

Princess??

I got my health report just this morning. Pretty good. Doing well. Happy!! ^^


     But my mum starts to nag at me again. After I've told her about the result, she'll start going with her theory. Sighs. I just skipped one meal yesterday. That doesn't mean a thing right?? I went out with Jaimie and Angie. Ate too full. That's all. After that, maybe it didn't digest well, my stomache not feeling well again. After all, I'm just human. I should go out and enjoy right??

          I know my health isn't that good all the times. I know I'm weak. I'm living like a princess. I know everyone wanted this kind of life. No worries, everything plan for you. They might think this is the ideal life. I never wanted to live like this. Every step that I take, it's been monitored or supervised. I can never have any fun in my life. 


               Guessed my mum is being too over-protected. Is it a good thing or the opposite?? Sometimes I feel happy because there is always someone there for you. To care and to guide you. But what if it's too protected?? I feel that I'm like a bird in a cage. Yes, I don't have to worry of being starve, or the weather turn bad, or my nest being ruin. But I've sacrificed my freedom for that. 


Not that I don't like this kind of life. But not that protected. Sometimes I just felt that I'm so useless. There's nothing I can do independently. I'm such a baby. All I know is cry. And cry. I really wanna have a life. A life that belongs to me. 

Hopes??

I really thought JM was giving me hope again. In love. I really gave up when everything turned out so badly. I gave up love. I gave up once when Mevin turned me down. I found myself falling again when I meet H. Ended up, not what I always wanted. And in the second thought, H wasn't the one for me. I just misunderstand my own feelings. I treat H as a good friend and a good brother. It just them, who mislead me. 
When JM chat with me again, he gave me hope in love. He's the first person who has respect me for who I really am. When Summer treated me that way, I really thought that all guys are the worst thing in this world. I never wanted to believe or love any of them. 
I told myself that every time all of this happen, it's either not the right time or the right person. And I am so true about it. When I wanted to believe in love again, I wanted to know JM more, that's when the truth appeared. JM told me that he loves a girl. Waited for her just like me. I have been waiting all these while. He told me, I should let go and that will make me feel much better. I really felt happiness. Cause someone cares for me. When I'm sad, he pampered me. I really felt blessed at that moment. I never thought of a guy treating me that way. Especially after the incident with Summer. 
I really hated guys!! They can make you laugh and in the same time, make you feel miserable. Sighs. Luckily he told me so early. So that I'm not so into him. I still can pick myself up. 
Anyway, I will always keep JM as my close friend. He's really a nice guy. And atleast there is someone that will pamper me when I'm down. He told me, how he wish that they are official. Deep inside my heart, how I wish I can make you mine. 
Guessed, it's time to let go again. Should love myself more. And now I really love this book, 'If you could see me now' by Cecilia Ahern. 

Dilemma...

I really don't know how to choose. Between performance and management. I am stuck right now. Very stuck. If I choose performance, there will be only 3 of us doing performance. Sue, Neo and me. Others all chose management. I'm not sure whether they choose it themselves or they are not allow to take. Like Roselyn. Pity her. I'm so in the middle now. I don't know whether I should continue a class with all of them or just go on my own. Because if I choose performance, I don't need to do one extra assignment. Which that was my first intention of choosing performance. But now, I know I like management more. Both also I like. I like performing, but obviously that's vocal. I really don't know what should I do. I don't wanna burden myself. Sighs. Still torn in between performance and management. I just can't choose. >.<

Disrespect...

Ok. I think I had enough of Summer. This time, I am really pissed off. I know he wouldn't care much. I was trying viber with JM yesterday night. I saw Summer's name. So I tried calling him. He didn't pick. So I thought he was busy. Later in the night, before I went to bed, Summer called back. I was surprised. However, the most surprising is, he doesn't know who he was calling. He was asking who am I? I told him, and it refreshed his mind obviously. But he called me the wrong name. Fine!! I asked him, why you called if you don't know my number. He told me that he lost all his contacts previously. I said I know. I even sms him when I saw his post in fb. And he told me, very rude, that he didn't save my number up. Don't think there's a need for it. Excuse me?? I take him as a friend of mine. But he say those things in front of me. I can't take it anymore. I just can't. What does he meant by that?? Guessed I won't tolerate anymore. Not a single step. And I think I have the right to hate him now!! 

The End...

     Guessed that's the end of us. Me and Zhi. I sent her a sms yesterday. Telling her that I wanna catch up with her and stuff like that. Also, I wanna apologize for what had happened in the past. She didn't replied me. I think that's all for it. I won't make another move anymore. That's the end of our friendship. I already knew she's like that. I really wanna scream right now. If not for JM, I don't think I'll even bother to sms her. I thought all these years friendship, will never break. Guessed I'm wrong again. How can I ever think that she's that generous? I had known her for like 15 years plus. She only uses people to get herself noticed. But when ask for forgiveness, she'll never bother about that person. That's her. I should have known it all these while. Yet I'm still trying because JM asked me to. I'm not blaming JM for doing all these. I just can't believe it that she rather let go our friendship of so many years. Like what Gil said, past friends. Friendship and love to me are the same. It should be eternal. It should be loyal. Once I've marked them as my friends, I'll never let them go. Even though they did something to hurt me. I'll find a way to forgive them. Because they are precious to me in anyway. It's so difficult to find someone that's true to you. To be there for you, to care for you. I tried to get her back, but she's the one letting me go. So I think that's the end of us. She's out of my life, will be removing her name in my buddy's list. 

Moving On...

All I want is something that can last,
Not last for that particular moment,
What we had been going through, had passed,
Living all the memories in my mind.

          I wonder what would I be,
          Without you being there for me,
          Will I smile much more lively?
          Will I shine just the way I wanted to be?

Seeing those happy couples walking down the aisle,
Side by side, clutching his arm,
I wonder when and what will I find,
For myself to be called mine.

          I love you and will always do, 
          To you, I will always be true,
          Appreciate on what you have done,
          For once, you had been my sun.

Right now, I should be moving on,
There is no point for me to mourn,
Over you because you have already gone,
My dream is all that keeps me going on.

Daring??

     I can't believe I message her. Pey Zhi. After 1 whole year, I messaged her again. I really can't believe I did it. I think I really should thank Juan Mun. He's the one behind all this. He's the one supported me. He's the one reminded me that we had been really good friends previously. I don't know what will happen now. Zhi just replied one of my sms only. After that, she didn't reply anymore. Actually I should be happy cause atleast Zhi replied one of my messages. I should be glad. Sighs. After all these while, I really thought that me and Zhi won't be friends anymore. ^^


     Juan Mun, Juan Mun. Really have to thank him so much. If not because of him, I don't think I would take the first step to sms Zhi. Actually I really miss her a lot. I thought of sms her a few times, but I just don't know how. When I saw her graduation photo in Juan Mun's tagged photos, I really cried. I kept JM the whole night until so late, to talk. Even when I go to bed, I cried in my sleep also. Really miss her a lot. 


     I feel so bad recently. I'm not sure whether I'm lonely or what. But I just don't wanna lose a good friend of mine. After so many years, since the age of 7, we had been friends. Everytime when I flip through my photo albums, I saw our photos when we were age 7. All those memories, still fresh with me. Sighs. I just wanna let her know, I don't wanna lose her as a friend. I'll try my best to make things better. I hope!!

Heart broken yet again!!

I saw Chuei Yin's wedding pictures with him. I should have guessed that the both of them will get married. But just not this soon. My heart was broken yet once again. I felt that my life is so empty. No hopes, no directions. What's the point of having a great dream? I always wanted to be a simple girl. Find the love of her life and just settle down. Is it that difficult to accomplish it?? The only two person that I really fall in love with has cruelly turned me down. This really breaks my heart so badly. I began to think that there'll be no Mr Right for me all this while. I felt disappointment too. Now in my life, there's only me and alone I'll be. I can't hope for anything better than my own future. I don't wanna let love to ruin my life. I just don't wanna be that simple girl only more. I'm so in pain right now. I thought I've let him go back in those years. But when I saw his wedding pictures, not that I'm jealous of what he and CY goin through, is just that I realized some part of my life has always been missing. Now I really found myself empty. Am I desperate?? 

Old Friends??

Saturday I had a great chat with everyone. Reeve especially!! He has been always the one I go for. ^^ Because others just wont chat long with me. So sad. And Reeve is the only one teaching me a lot of things without fooling me. But sometimes he still will "zat" me. @_@


     Surprisingly is, Wu Wai Hong messaged me in MSN. That's so surprising. Haven't chat with him since 7 years ago? That's what he claimed. >.<


Tan Juan Mun also messaged me in MSN too. OMG!! One day, 2 old friends. I never thought that they'll remember me anyhow. ^^ Juan Mun is still so funny and irritating. But I like chatting with him. Never changed, not even a single bit. 


     Ok. The one i care and love so much. Has became emo again. Really don't know what's wrong with him. Wanted to ask but don't dare. Trying my best not to show him that I care. Oh God, can you show me what can I do??

Surprise!!

I'm so surprised that my dad bought me an Iphone. ^^ I really can't believe it. 

     I have been spending so much time trying to learn how to use this new phone of mine. Hahax. It's so complicated. And I'm just a typical classical girl. I have so much to learn. This is so new to me. ^^


I don't dare to online after that incident. Don't dare to talk to Gil also. Sighs. What should I do? 


   Anyway, I've been busy learning about my Iphone, I just totally forgets about it. Wow, I really have to thank Reeve. He has been a real great tutor to me. He taught me everything about Iphone and what should I do with it. 


OMG. I hate it!! Why can I so easily trust people?? Why didn't I think about it?? Gil told me it was a prank. I can't believe it. I'm such an idiot!! OMG. I feel so hurt. Because the person I trusted the most played a prank on me. And that was a huge prank. I totally fall for it without thinking about it. They are going too far already. I know I'm not a city girl. I have a simple mind, simple life. I don't like complicated things or to make things complicated. Are they giving me lessons?? Are they showing me, that this is how those people out there should be?? 
  
     H knew it too. But he didn't let me know. He thought that I've already figured out myself. He suspected something was wrong and didn't even let me know?? He didn't even pick up my calls or reply my sms recently. Is he trying to play hide and seek with me?? Not that I wanna check on him, I just wanna ask why!!

Freakssss!!!

Oh My God!!!OMG...Summer really freaks me out. What can I do?? Is he a stalker?? Does he considered as a stalker?? He read all Gil's conversations and know exactly everything that Gil and I chat. The main thing is, he doesn't allow me to tell Gil. 
It freaks me out right now, right this instance. I'm not sure what's Gil reaction after reading it here in my blog. My facebook history still got the evidence that I had chat with him in Gil's account. I'm not crazy, am I?? Things started to get complicated now. 
I'm very sure that I called Gil just now to through handphone. It wasn't Gil who pick up the call. It was Summer. 
I'm very sure of it. It really creeps me out. I feel like crying now!! 
Summer even called me, and said, don't simply talk in front of Gil. 
What does he mean?? Means I can't tell Gil about it?? I don't even dare to call Gil also. 
Means all Gil's actions are being monitored?? Means there can be no more secrets around us?? Don't he think he's playing too far already??
I'm really really very confused right now. I tried to call H. He didn't pick up my calls also. In his last sms, he just wrote 'Hahahahahahahaha". Damn it!!! Can anyone tell me what to do??

End of 20th July...

I spent my whole day making a video. Thank God, I've completed it. So happy with the result. Actually I just wanna post my song into facebook. However, facebook only allow video. So I have to convert my song into video file. I really can't believe I did it again. All by myself. Guessed I'm really evolving. Proud of myself too. But I really have to thank my dear sis, Gil. Without her, I really don't know what I'll be. She taught me a lot of things. And the reason I'm evolving?? Of course my dear Gil. I changed a lot too. Not relying so much on my friends. Try to depend on myself more. I should be growing up by now. 
Summer, summer, summer. ^^ He hurts his leg. Hope he'll be alright soon. 
Him!! My dear H. So happy that he said he'll try his best to help me in making the video. ^^ Didn't know he's kinda helpful at times. 
Anyway, I'm really happy with what I've done. I'm proud of myself. Hope everyone likes my video too. It's my gratitude to them. They are so important in my life. 

Finally It's Over...

Hurray!! Exams finally are over. I'm so relax and happy. 
   
     Concert was over too. Right now, holiday!! Went back to Ipoh to rest and relax.

However, I am sick again. So sad. 

---

Saturday, our concert night, Summer came. I was so happy because I thought he wouldn't come. I just try my luck asking him to come. I really miss Summer a lot. He's the greatest companion. Even though I know he'll "zat" me the whole day. That's true. He didn't stop "zat" me for the whole night. The weird part was, I was happy and not mad at him. Sighs. Maybe whatever he said was true. He was a great gentleman too. He was helping me to take care of my hp and Gil's. Helped me to take photos too. I was sitting with him for the whole concert, because I was the one who asked him come. I shouldn't have left him alone. I was telling him and explaining all those instruments. Didn't know he'll be interested in music. 

Him again!! Need me the most and he'll treat me good?? Sighs. However, he's getting better now. Treating me as a human. When out with him, treated me a McD's ice-cream, cause he lost in the arcade, Tekken!! So happy. But I think it's because of Gil too. He bet with Gil and he lost, of course. Sighs. Went to times square on friday too. Obviously using my car. We had a great chat too. I don't know why, when I'm with him or with Summer, I just want to tell them everything. Had a great time too. And OMG!! Times square got so many nice things. I had to control myself for not spending a cent. I asked him to control me too. Hahax. =P

End of 1st July...

Today I had a great day. Went out with Ken. Watched Transformer 3. Nice movie. Optimus Prime has always been my favorite. ^^
Watching movie with Ken is much more relax compared with him. Ken made me so happy. He said why do I have to treat everyone that nice even to strangers. When we go back that time, there was a car searching for parking, I showed her my car. Then Ken asked me, why you tell that person where's your car?? What's wrong with that?? Shouldn't we humans be nice to each other?? He said I'm very weird, naive, too simple-minded. And one thing for sure, too nice to everyone. He told me that I should learn to protect myself too. Just like H. 
Don't know what's wrong with Gil today?? Try to reach her in the night but she was asleep. So early?? Doesn't seem like her at all. 
I hope what I've written in my blog don't offense her. Blog is the only place I can express myself. I just wanna let everything out. I hope she'll be alright and contact me soon. 

End of 30th June...

Sighs. I don't know what's wrong with me today. I should be happy, but I'm not. >.<
I was having a great time with my mum and aunt, shopping!! But I don't have the mood. Maybe Gil told me that she's watching Transformer with him?? Sighs. Gil is my sister. My best buddy!! I should trust her. But I don't know how come I'll have this kind of feeling. I'm afraid that he'll forever be hers. Cause the both of them have so much in common. I've already promised myself that I'll let go. Why should I bother who is going out with him?? I don't have any mood after that. Kept quiet the whole day. @_@
What should I do?? I shouldn't be jealous of Gil. If that day really comes, I should be giving all my blessings to them. 
I just hope that time can mend my broken heart. 

End of 29th June...

Today I don't know I should be happy or not?? Didn't really practise today. What should I do?? I feel so bad. Went out with Ken today. Bought Transformer's tickets for friday. Sighs!! >.< I really have to work hard. Shouldn't be so relax. T.T 
Gil was so emo today. Cause her friend just passed away (commit suicide). I don't know how to console her. Halfway, when we talked about it, I started crying. Life is fragile. Should have appreciate it more. Should be thankful to God for giving us life. Should be grateful to our parents for nurturing us so well. Shouldn't have wasted our life just like that. But I'm amazed that her friend has the courage to commit suicide. For me, I would rather face it, even though I know there'll be a lot of tears. I tried killing myself too, previously. Not successful. After all that happens, I realised that if I kill myself, the problem still won't be solve. I'm hurting myself and in the same time, I'm hurting my parents too. 
Bought Taylor Swift's karaoke dvd too. XD happy. Downloaded all her songs today. Love her so much. ^^
Worked really hard in the night. Left 8 more chapters to go for my historical. And my notes are done. Finally, but still got a long way to go. Don't know whether I can complete it before exam. Scare!! 

End of 27th June...

I had a great chat with Gil in the night. She knew what happen to me. And I'm happy that she's there for me. She's my real sister. Told her everything. What had happen to me in detail. She told me she knew it from the start. I can't believe it. I didn't see it all these while. They are trying to control me. They just want me to do whatever they say. Sighs. I'm a puppet to them. >.<
Kyee really totally ignored my sms. What a friend?? Guessed I know the answer already. She'll never be my friend anymore. God!! I really can't imagine it. How can this world full of those kind of people?? Selfish, arrogant, commanding and lots more. I don't know how to describe her. The most important is, SHE IS FAKE!! Acted like she can handle everything. She just afraid of losing. That's all. I really wonder, if I post all her photos with J in facebook, what will happen?? But I'll never do it. I never betray a friend. 
And Sue. I feel like slapping her already. Her wall post. Everything she wrote, purposely for me to see. Excuse me?? Don't think you are smart. There's a lot of people out there smarter than you?? What is she trying to say?? I hate sarcastic people. I wonder who's the sarcastic one?? Another FAKE one. She thinks she's the only one in this world?? Even though she's the only child, but please respect. Not sure whether she understands the word RESPECT?? 
Sighs. I shouldn't be angry of anyone. I'm the one who should be blame. Cause I'm too naive to believe them. I just realised that he's the closest to me all these while. But luckily, we are back to normal. I called him. Had a chat. Happy!! I just wanna shout out loud. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!! He'll always be my friend. My best best friend!! ^^

My Fairy Land...

I sent Kyee a sms. Telling her that I'm sorry and hope that we still can be friends. Telling her that she has been a great sister to me. But she didn't reply me. Guessed I'll be alone again. I only left Gil as my sister. Kyee is just the same as the others. Realistic. I bet she thinks that I might be crazy. Something is wrong with me. Sighs. I wonder can I really survive out there alone?? I really need a change?? I don't wanna change who am I right now. I know I can't stay in my shell forever . If I change, I'll never be me again. Should I come out from my kingdom?? Maybe I should just keep away from them. I'll survive even though I'm the only one. Besides, I still have Gil. I know she'll be there for me. Hope so?? Pray hard!! 

End of 23rd June...

I had a great time with May. We went out for lunch together. Totally a different May. When I see her in school, she's so quiet. But when we were out, she's so much different. We fished for handsome guys. ^^ We were so lucky yesterday. Saw 2 handsome's cause May was wearing a clover pendant. And another hilarious story was, we were acting as if we weren't Malaysians. We came from Singapore?? Not bad May!! 
I had my dinner with seniors too. My dear Zhixin, May, Cheryl, Wanxim and John. We had a great chat too. Cheryl was asking about me and him. I just told them roughly. But overall, I told them that we are ok now. Friends!! =) Seniors!! They are actually, so cute. Especially my dear Zhixin, Kaito all the time. >.<
Chat with him also. Purposely make him search for me. =P But atleast he doesn't dare to raise his voice at me. Or maybe he's still not feeling well. I don't know. Even though I want to know but I won't ask anymore. First time praising me. I'm so happy, cause of my MP's work. I really done my best and I'm proud of myself. 
I cried again. T.T This time is not because of him. It's because of Kyee and Sue. Sighs. I know Kyee is fed up with me. But I did nothing this time. I start to chat with him doesn't mean I'll fall for him again. I've already fell. How can she expect me to let go so fast? I still care for him and that's the truth. But definitely I won't do anything stupid anymore. And about ignoring him?? How can I be so cruel?? Not letting him know about replacement?? Impossible. No matter how u hate that person, I don't think that's a right way to treat them. 
Sue?? I really don't know her. Every time we have to care for her feelings. How about the opposite direction?? Does she ever care for others?? If we don't let her know something, she'll be upset about it. How about me?? Actually I am upset too whenever they did that to me. But I just acted nothing cause I don't wanna make things complicated. I really wanted to help them during classes, but they think that I'm showing off?? I was really pissed off in keyboard harmony. Should record Kyee's and her expressions. 
I really love everyone in school. I treat them equally. But they think that I'm a drama queen?? I love him and will always do. I'll protect him. Sighs. I know they hate him, but they still act and play the game. I can't. That's too dramatic for me. 

LaSt GoOdBy3...

Everything turned out to be so fast,
However, it doesn't seem to last,
What has passed, just let it pass,
I should be happy, that's a must.


His eyes became so cold,
Turned his back on me and just go,
There is a lot of things that I don't know,
I'm so confused, deep inside the hole.


Reality means cruelty's,
Loving you means misery,
Can I blame you for all those tears?
All my words, can you hear?


I will not shed a single tear anymore,
From the moment you walked out of this door,
This will be my last goodbye,
Finally the bond between us was untied.

Reunion...

Had a reunion with my 2 best buddies in this whole wide world. Wenzhi & Winnie. I love the 2 of them so much. I really had a great time with them shopping. ^^ Bought my concert shoe too. Thanks to the both of them, I found an amazing shoe. And I love it so much. My mum said its very high. She wondered can I walk with it? Hahax. =P 
I saw his status yesterday. He was in Ipoh. Sighs. Why should I care? Does he really has to put it on facebook? What is he trying to show? Ok. Am I thinking a lot again? His business, I don't think I should care anymore. I had been worried whether he has passed up his program notes and assignment or not? But I don't dare to ask him. Later he'll think that I'm trying to get back to him. Maybe the feeling hasn't totally fade yet. I still care for him and his works. As a friend. I wanted to be his guardian angel. To guard his from far above. However, I can't show it out. This will only make him hate me even more. 
I really have buried my feelings deep down inside me. It'll never go away and it'll never show. I will care for him but it won't be like usual. I'll keep it inside me and do things behind him. I don't want him to know that I still care for him.
Called Summer yesterday night. I really love chatting with him through the phone. Even though I know he'll said cruel things to me. I still feel happy about it. Cause he's the only guy that is honest with me. Sometimes, truth is cruel. He'll never say sweet things in front of me. I guessed, that's how he show his sincerity. He mentioned H's name a several times. I'm not sure whether he's doing that on purpose. To make sure that I, 100% let go? He's weird. But he's nice and honest. 

Me & Wenzhi

Me & Winnie

The concert shoe